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July 9, 2005
City of Lake
Station Lake Station, IN 46342
Dear Lake Station, Indiana:
My name is Kevin Dickinson. I am the lead singer of the internationally renowned band ULCER. You might know us from our hit single “Relish Jar.” We will soon be on tour across the country and we have decided to hit your town. Not with a baseball bat or anything. We just wanna stop by. You know. And chat. Maybe spoon a little.
This will be a concert for the blind, the deaf, and the limbless. You must demonstrate characteristics of ALL THREE in order to participate. If you’re blind and deaf, but have all your limbs intact, you can’t come. Likewise, if you are missing an arm or two, but you can still see and hear, you are NOT invited. You know who you are.
Anyway, where is a good spot to set up the stage. This is a 50’x50’ stage and it is 18’ tall. It features 20 flamethrowin’ spouts o’ fire! Also we may be chucking empty glass bottles from the stage into the crowd (they might be full). This is sort of ULCER’s trademark! We do not warn of impending bottle injuries. You have to be vigilant.
Again, anyone who is blind, deaf, and limbless can come to the concert for free! No one else! There are cool visual effects and pyrotechnics, and our music is ROCKIN’! We’re ULCER!!!
The concert may last anywhere from two hours to five days, depending on the level of crowd participation. Sometimes we like to invite people onto the stage (we make them climb up) so they can sing along or do a funny dance.
Please let me know about the specifics of setting up a concert in your town.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Lead Singer of ULCER |
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