September 14, 2005

James Dwyer, M.D.

Orthopedic Surgeon

1 Robertson Drive

Suite 11

Bedminster, NJ 07921

Dear Dr. Dwyer,

I have a strange problem I would like to resolve, and I have heard from my pet ladybug Freckles that you surpass all other orthopedic surgeons in skill, knowledge, and dental health.

Here’s what happened. I was out rock climbing about 4 months ago when I realized, hey, I don’t have a safety harness. I’d better not let go. Then I forgot what I just thought of (I have Puddingson’s Disease) and let go, thinking there was a safety harness to hold me in place. The trouble was, I was climbing up the side of the world’s tallest mesa (Spanish for “mesa”), and was 99/100 of the way to the top. I fell 803 feet (I counted as I dropped) and hit a giant branch, which luckily I was able to grab hold of. But, as in the cartoons, the branch snapped and I fell another 1,052 feet. I hit my upper vasculatory cyphrynx on a jagged ledge, then I continued falling for another 23,402 feet. I reached the ground but unfortunately landed on my lower gastroflexible dibulae, resulting in a massive jespering of the reticular osprey.

But that’s not all. The ground I happened to land on was the edge of an incredibly deep pit, and when I rolled on my back in extreme pain, I fell into the pit, which was even scarier since it was dark. I fell for another 2,113 feet before landing in a stagnant pool of filth at the bottom. Four days later, after being battered by the elements and gigantic rat-like mutants, I was rescued by a horde of nuns. They lowered down a chain of rosary beads and I grabbed hold and was pulled up.

I am writing to you today because I recently discovered that due to the massive accident I experienced some months back, I may be injured, and since you are an orthopedic surgeon, I thought you might take a look at me. Let me know when it’s best for you.

In Extreme Pain,

 
Kevin Dickinson

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