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November 16, 2005
Target Corporation 1000 Nicollet Mall Minneapolis, MN 55403
Dear Target,
You are probably completely oblivious to the fact that your clothing is dangerous. Perhaps you don’t wear it yourself, because you are all wearing suits and ties at corporate headquarters. But let me tell you, I have had one too many bad experiences wearing Target clothing.
The other day I rambled into a local Target store (I like to pronounce it “Target,” not “Target”) and decided upon several T-shirts that I needed. You see, I am a stuntman by profession and my most recent movie included seven scenes in which I was tied to an 18-wheeler, dragged by my feet at 55 miles per hour on a major highway. As you can imagine, my old shirts had holes in them by the time we finished filming. The movie comes out this summer – it is called Guy Gets Dragged at 55 Miles Per Hour On A Major Highway By an 18-Wheeler Part II: Revenge of the Sith. If you ever need a stuntman let me know. I will do underwater escapes and falls from skyscrapers without a parachute. Please have a soft mattress ready at the bottom!
Anyway, back to the original point of this letter: why Target clothing is dangerous. Yes, it is understandable that you use a logo that looks like a Target, because it only makes sense. But to plaster this logo all over your T-shirts is out of the question! At first it seemed harmless. I bought some shirts from your store with Target logos on them, and when I went home I changed into one. It was very comfortable, like the softest sheep on a sullen Wednesday.
That’s when I got shot with an arrow in the chest. It missed my heart by three and a half inches! What kind of merchandise are you trying to sell your customers? Deadly merchandise? That’s what I think.
Since I’m a stuntman, I was able to deal with the whole being shot in the chest with an arrow thing. But in the next few moments, I was bombarded with eggs, very large rocks, very small boulders, silver bullets, even more arrows, and a rubber chicken. I have no enemies, you see. I attribute this chaos to the fact that my newly purchased clothing had targets all over it.
I went to the hospital that day and was released several days later, in a somewhat stable condition but with battered emotions. Please let me know if you are going to discontinue the production of Target clothing, as it is extremely dangerous. It is only a matter of time before someone gets killed. (And the weirdest part is, I still don’t know who threw all that stuff at me.) Since you were probably unaware of the dangers caused by your merchandise, I am not pressing charges or attempting to sue you. But I am asking you to stop manufacturing these horrible clothes. They are a threat to American life.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Stuntman |
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