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| Suggested by Neesha "Neeshaphone" Shah |
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December 10, 2005
President of the Treasury Board Treasury Board of Canada Secretariat L’Esplande Laurier 9th Floor, East Tower 140 O’Connor Street Ottawa, Ontario, Canada KIA 0R5
Dear Reg Alcock,
Is your first name, “Reg,” like the first syllable of “Reggie,” or is it like the beginning of the word “regulation?” Just wondering. Or do you have your own, unique pronunciation? I want to learn it! You’re an important guy, how come you’re on the 9th floor? Alcock? That's like Alfred Hitchcock, only one word! Amazing!
Mr. Alcock, I work in retail. Specifically Derdner’s All-Purpose Sprockets. We sell all kinds of sprockets! They have all kinds of uses. (That’s what I’m told. I still don’t know what a sprocket is.) People sometimes give me Canadian pennies in change, and due to the extremely high-volume, fast-paced environment that is the sprocket business, I don’t have time to see if it’s legal United States tender. So sometimes I end up with Canadian pennies in my register. Also, one time the bank gave me one. They ripped me off! Incidentally, that same day we didn’t make budget.
Since I have all these coins laying around that have absolutely no value in the United States, I am forced to find uses for them. Sometimes I give them back as change to people I don’t like, or people who browse around for hours and only buy one or two sprockets. Damn communists! I also build sculptures with them; last Tuesday I completed a miniature replica of Michelangelo’s David, using only Canadian coins and superglue. (I have enclosed a picture for your viewing pleasure)
Here is the problem, though. Even though I try to get rid of as many Canadian coins as I can, there are still many laying around. This is why I propose you stop manufacturing them. Make American pennies instead! Who cares if good ole’ Abe Lincoln has nothing to do with Canada? Think of the children!!!
Please consider my proposal. I will no longer be accepting Canadian pennies in a few weeks, so please make American ones if you don’t want me to ruin your economy from behind the desk at Derdner’s All-Purpose Sprockets. Come and visit! We offer a 10% discount to Canadian Treasury Ministers.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson
P.S. Here's that picture you wanted.
Michelangelo's David, constructed solely out of spare Canadian change at Derdner's All-Purpose Sprockets, 2005 |
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