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August 15, 2005
Macy*s Dept. Store East
151 W. 34th St.
To Whom It May Concern:
This is the only way I know how to do this. I’m sorry to interrupt whatever you were doing a minute ago but this is something that absolutely has to be done. I’ve been trying to contact Santa for months now but have been unable to track him down. I tried using MapQuest, but their services do not yet extend to the general North Pole area. This is a matter of life and death we are dealing with here. I saw Santa last Christmas at your store but the line was too long to talk to him. Here’s what I am going to do. I am going to type a letter that I must get to Santa, and I was hoping you guys could give it to him. Since he comes to Macy*s once a year, I figure you have his address or cell phone number or something. Anyway, here’s what I need Santa to read:
Dear Mr. Claus:
It has come to my attention that you have been distributing toys, doodads, and various forms of paraphernalia related to today’s popular cultural icons to the somewhat demanding children of the world each December 25. I am a private citizen of the United States seasonally employed by the IRS to handle special cases. Whether you are aware or not, none of said children have been paying a gift tax. Obviously my jurisdiction only extends within the boundaries of the United States, but we must deal with this situation in an expedient manner as the legal system tends to drag out anything related to it and your “Christmas” is only a few months away. Millions upon millions of children have been evading the IRS and getting away scot-free every year since the first roots of the IRS took shape in 1862.
After analyzing the full scope of the situation, I gathered some of the country’s best mathematical geniuses. I locked them in a room for 48 hours and they emerged with a complex equation involving such factors as population growth rates and average present increase rates over the years. We have come up with a final figure that is due to the government. Now before I disclose this figure to you, it must be perfectly clear that, due to the complexity of the situation, we are allowing for two payment methods. Method #1 involves gathering money from the children of the United States, their parents, families, and generally anyone who’s ever received a doodad from you. Method #2 involves you paying the full sum. Please understand that your holiday cannot continue until the balance is restored to zero.
You owe the IRS: $32,250,024,258,194,554,700,250,317,146.18 (Does not include standard taxation of Complex Holiday Taxation Situations [7.9%])
The amount printed above is only payable in one lump sum. You have until November 14, 2005 to transfer the funds back to the IRS. If you for any reason fail to do so, Christmas will be cancelled forever and we will put you in prison for 1 googol years.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson
P.S.: Oh, by the way, what kind of cookies should I put out this December?
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Loyal Macy*s Shopper
P.S. What kind of cookies do you think Santa likes. |
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