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December 17, 2005
Burger King 5505 Blue Lagoon Drive Miami, FL 33126
Dear Burger King,
I like your fries, but I am anorexic and generally don’t like to eat more than one at a time. Also I have no limbs, they call me the “Human Torso.” Perhaps you have seen me in a circus side show, I have performed in many of them (by that I mean I stood there while people threw banana wrappers at me).
You see, my coworker Fleming died last week of a horrible pancreas infliction. He’s the one who normally drags me around from place to place. But now I can’t go anywhere, because I have no limbs (I probably already said that, just making sure you knew). I was able to type this letter by using my nose, and I am going to sign, fold, and address it using various parts of my face. Tomorrow I plan on chucking it out the window using my mouth at the precise time the mailman walks by, so it knocks him unconscious. Then, when the EMS people arrive, I am hoping that they take my letter to you.
Here is my request, should you get this letter. I would like a fry delivered to my house. Just one is all I need! Any more and I won’t eat them, I am very picky. If it is still hot it would be highly appreciated! Unfortunately Fleming locked my front door and I can’t open it, so just barge in when you get here, you can use a crowbar if you like. Then come up to my room and we’ll make a deal. I’ll give you sixteen cents for that fry. If you want more, get my wallet. I won’t be able to do anything about it anyway! Wait, I shouldn’t have typed that, since there’s a thousand dollars in my wallet.
Anyway, please let me know about the fry thing. Remember, I can’t access my mailbox, so let the mailman know when he takes your letter and/or fry that he needs to break into my house. Thanks! May your skies be verdant with the flowers of poetry.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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