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July 9, 2005
Debora A. Robinett Registered Dietitian
1812 South J. Street, Suite 102
Dear Dr. Robinett:
I am clinically overweight. Perhaps overweight is too light a word. I weigh 423 pounds.
As you are a dietitian, and I am in need of a good diet, I am writing this letter to inquire about your services and practices. I have tried virtually every single diet out there, including the donut diet, the caffeine diet, and the sugar-cane diet, but all of them seem to be contributing to my obesity.
I hope that I can come to your establishment via the back of a pickup truck and we can meet and discuss a good diet plan for me. I am willing to pay whatever you normally charge, as I am aware of the short future that lies ahead if I continue to weigh this much. I have been to other dietitians in the past, but none of their plans worked for me. I have heard much praise about you, so I thought I’d give you a try. If your diet plan works, I’ll take you out for ice cream.
Please respond to my inquiry, as the sooner I start a good diet the sooner I can be normal again.
Yours truly,
Kevin Dickinson |
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She bought me a postcard! |
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August 1, 2005
Debora A. Robinett Registered Dietitian
1812 South J. Street, Suite 102
Dear Dr. Robinett:
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my letter of July 9, 2005, inquiring about your nutrition services. I really appreciated the post card, Tacoma is my favorite city.
As I have said before, I am extremely obese and do not know what to do. When I was a wee lad in grade school, I had to be pushed to class by an powerful bulldozer. These days I get around by rolling. Except I can’t fit through doorways. So I’ve basically been stuck in this room for several years, and my wife has been bringing me food, water, bedpans, etc. so I would stay alive. Because she’s nice.
So I was wondering what you could do to help. I am willing to go to Tacoma for those monthly follow-ups you requested… anything to help lower my weight. 10 Arnold Schwarzeneggers trying to lift me would strain under my massive blubber.
Please let me know when I could start your program – I know your practice is full but let me know of the first opening. (Although I may not be able to fit into said opening, ha ha ha).
Sincerely Overweight,
Kevin Dickinson |
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I wonder how long I can keep this up? |
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August 26, 2005
Debora A. Robinett Registered Dietitian
1812 South J. Street, Suite 102
Dear Dr. Robinett:
I appreciate your rapid response to my letter again, but unfortunately September the 13th is no good. You see, I have a pie eating contest that day. I am hoping to win for the 5th year in a row. Friends and foes alike sometimes know me as Peter the Pie Eater. Although I insist that my name is not Peter, they call me this anyway. I don’t like it.
But anyway, I really, really need to control this weight problem. I am scared of living a very short life. But like I said I can’t make an appointment for the 13th of September because I have that contest. And in all fairness, it came first.
I am writing to you to request that you schedule me for the next available date. I am usually free from Thursday to Saturday each week. The rest of the week, I work in a chocolate cake factory making chocolate cakes. Yum!
Thank you for helping me out in this urgent matter of health.
In good health,
Kevin Dickinson |
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I think she
doesn't have a clue that I'm not serious. I've decided not to write any more
letters to her, though, because she has a business to run and half of me
feels bad for wasting her time. It is pretty funny, though. |
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| Suggestion for the following letter by Cyrus Kanga |
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November 15, 2005
Debora A. Robinett Registered Dietitian
1812 South J. Street, Suite 102
Dear Dr. Robinett:
It is with the most sorrowful regret from the deepest part of my ever mourning heart to inform you that Kevin Dickinson, who had an extremely obese body but a heart made of the richest, more pure chocolate, has passed away. I would like to express my deepest condolences to you, Dr. Robinett, as I recall him telling me you two were the best of friends.
Please therefore cancel his appointment, scheduled for September 22nd, 2005, at 11:30a.m. I apologize for giving you such short notice.
Kevin Dickinson, who was born in Marlton, NJ, led a very productive life. At age 4, he weighed just over 228 lbs. 1 oz. He steadily gained weight for the remainder of his life and although he never got a chance to lose any of it, he told me that you played a major part in his moral support. This year, as he turned 37, he weighed 423 lbs. and required the assistance of a small crane in order to move.
He worked all his life at a chocolate cake factory, making chocolate cakes for the good of humankind. They are fairly tasty by my standards.
Although words on paper may not be the best form of condolences in the death of a loved one, this is the best way I am able to convey my sympathy for you. This letter also serves as an invitation to Kevin’s funeral, the date for which has not yet been decided upon. Are you free on that day? There will be chocolate cake.
With sympathy,
Mr. Wilkinson Kevin Dickinson’s Butler |
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