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August 15, 2005
Merck & Co.,
Inc. 08889-0100
Dear Merck,
I have this thing, I might wanna do. I went on your website, and it looked pretty scientific, so I figure you guys are the only ones who can help me.
You see, for ages the Earth has been plagued with the destructive power of humankind. People have torn the ozone layer, eaten all the rainforests, and given birth to Carrot Top. These events must stop. My plan, with the help of a certain scientific company’s amazing breakthrough technologies, is to repopulate the world with wombats.
We have all seen the adverse effects of genocide in the past. Therefore I have elected not to kill any people during this process. What we are going to do is, you are going to invent a transfiguration machine that can turn people into loving wombats who will care for and nurture the Earth, and by that I mean they will do what wombats are best known for (vehicular exhaust analysis).
You guys have the money. You have the resources. You have the scientists. Now all you need to do is put all three things together in a giant vat. Stir until blended smoothly. Bake at 450˚F for 3 hours. Serves six.
So when can you have the transfiguration machine? Wednesday is best for me. Remember: like the famous peace advocate Jergens Gandhi once said, “If it ain’t fixed, break it.”
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson
P.S. We are going to need a transfiguration machine on each of the 17 continents. |
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