|
|
|
|
|
July 9, 2005
Governor Donald L.
Carcieri
Dear Gov. Carcieri,
‘Ello Gov-nah! I am thinking of running for office in your fine state. How do I become, say, a governor? When does your position become empty? Can you retire? If not, can you implement my amazingly amazing ideas? Can I be Assistant Governor? Or Governor’s Boss? What about a Freeholder. I have no clue what a Freeholder does but it sounds morbidly pacifying. My past political experience includes watching CNN at least three times a month, and one time my mom was a PTA person. Or my friend’s mom. I know the president of Ohio. But in any case I have, as you can see from my rèşŭmë, which is not included but I’m sure you get the idea, I am severely qualified for this position. What’s the starting pay for being a governor? I heard it’s in U.S. currency. Is this true? I would like pesos. They are satisfying to the touch and taste like a belligerent rutabaga casserole.
Now, you’re probably wondering why someone from New Jersey would want to run for governor in Rhode Island. It’s because I think I can solve a major crisis that has been puzzling the people and disturbing the peace for exactly 62 years and five days as of 47 days ago. This crisis is, of course, the massive Peanut Butter Crisis of Rhode Island. Since you’re the governor, you’ve probably heard of it. But just in case, let me clarify this. It’s not so much a shortage of PB but more of an issue of jars-of-peanut-butter-per-square-mile. The current ratio is six to one, which is really bad. I mean appalling! Come on! What has the Island of Rhode been doing these past 67 years and three days? NOT buying peanut butter? I have a copy of a 1976 study of this crisis, and let me just say that the results are too horrific to discuss within the confines of the written word.
The obvious solution to this Peanut Butter Pandemic is to annex nearby states: Massachusetts, Vermont, New Mexico, etc… and then since they have more peanut butter your jars of PB to square miles ratio will rise. The crisis will end! The people will be set free! They will be liberated and will rejoice in the streets! Please don’t take off your shirt, we don’t need to see that! They should make flavored enemas. Did you hear about that guy McGreevey?
What was I saying? this is a subliminal message
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Future Rhode Island Governor
P.S. I will be eliminating the word “gubernatorial” from the English language as it sounds more like a word that describes candy. From now on when describing something related to the governor, you have to moo like a duck. |
|
|
|
|
