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December 3, 2005
Chez Jenny 39 Boulevard du Temple 75003 Paris France
Dear Chez Jenny Restaurant,
I represent Mr. Rochester Hampilshire, one of America’s finest and most talented actors (though he could use some work on his table manners). Perhaps you have seen him in his many lead roles over the course of his life, the most notable being the lovable Shizzle bo’ Dizzle Frodo Jackson in the classic film Lord of the Bling. His most recent role was Teddy "Rats" Manila in Return of the Darth Jedi Person. He has written, directed, produced, and starred in over three hundred blockbuster films in the last five years alone. His directing credits include over five hundred hit films, seventeen plays, two plays that were later turned into books, a book that was turned into a play, a play that was turned into a billboard advertisement for that play, and a high school pamphlet on safe sex that was turned into a thrilling and dramatic TV miniseries. He is a very rich man as you can imagine and owns a closet full of fine Italian suits (incidentally, the suits themselves belong to someone else; his ownership is limited to the closet). The man who he hires to mow his 700-acre front yard actually hires someone else to mow it. That’s how rich Mr. Hampilshire is.
Mr. Hampilshire never goes out to a less-than-perfect restaurant, and for his 40th birthday this coming February he would like to celebrate at your restaurant (Chez Jenny) in Paris. He has starred in 18 films that were shot in Paris, and has grown quite fond of the city. He recalls dining in your fine restaurant one day after filming nonstop for 21 hours and tells me the food was the best he had ever tasted. You see, Mr. Hampilshire has eaten in almost all of the fine restaurants in the world, and seems to like yours the best. He always orders two of the most expensive item on the menu, and washes them down with two of the most expensive bottles of wine. If the service is good, he has been known to leave a 92% gratuity.
Rochester has asked me, not as an agent but as a personal friend, to do one favor for him on his 40th birthday. He wants it to be an unforgettable day, so he wants a communist clown. This can be any ordinary clown, except one who wants to become a dictator and take things away from the citizens of his country. I’m sure you will have no trouble finding a clown, France is full of mimes and such.
If you are willing to do this (actually, it is more of a demand than a request, since nobody has ever turned Mr. Hampilshire down), I personally will see to it that Chez Jenny becomes a household name. People rich and extremely rich alike will flock to your restaurant, hoping to catch a glimpse of the celebrities that frequent it. Of course, this cannot happen without the presence of the venerable Rochester Hampilshire, “Master of the Modern Film.” Remember, he wants a communist clown. The clown can perform physical comedy but MUST NOT, I repeat MUST NOT disturb Mr. Hampilshire when he is eating. Although he enjoys the fame, fortune, and beautiful women that are ever-present in his life he DOES NOT need a communist clown bugging him while he eats his filet.
Mr. Hampilshire’s 40th birthday falls on February 20th this year. He likes to change it sometimes. I believe he was born in August, but don’t quote me on that. Anyway, please let me know the details of reserving a table for Mr. Hampilshire and his four or five guests for February the 20th, 2006. I look forward to hearing back to you. As Mr. Hampilshire’s famous character Teddy “Rats” Manila always says, “Well I’ll be damned! We’re goin’ to Texas!”
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Agent to Rochester Hampilshire |
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