December 20, 2005

7-Eleven, Inc.

Corporate Headquarters

2711 North Haskell

Dallas, TX 75204

Dear 7-Eleven:

Listen. I have this friend who likes your thick drinking straws, as they allow her to slurp freely. Other straws are communists! At least she tells me so. With the conventional American Straw, she has to use all her slurping power to get just a tiny sip of a drink; this is especially true with milkshakes. She is then drained of energy and cannot go on any further without the assistance of powerful steroids. Here’s the problem, though: she can’t seem to find your straws anywhere besides 7-11. If you’ve heard from store #15433 in Cherry Hill recently about their lack of straws it’s because my friend has been taking fistfuls of them. They greatly increase her drinking ability, you see, without compromising slurping energy. Your straws are part of the following mathematical equation devised by two people in real lab coats:

SA = V(E_slurp)² + 17.5 / [w_straw * √(stripes)]

where SA is overall Straw Ability, E_slurp is the energy required to slurp one sip from said straw, w_straw represents the width (thickness) and stripes is the number of red pinstripes on the straw (yes, this does matter). I have calculated, using this proven formula, that your straws have an overall rating of 19.1 on a scale from 1 to 20. This is excellent. However, my friend feels very guilty about taking these straws from your company. Therefore, I propose that you kindly send me a box of your straws, for me to give to her. You are probably wondering why she is not the one writing to you; she is too shy to do so (although she is certainly not shy enough to take fistfuls of straws when the employees are not looking). So, with all things considered, it would be very nice of you to send me a box of straws for her. Thank you. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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