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November 4, 2005
Kaaawa Elementary School 51-296 Kamehameha Avenue Kaaawa, HI 96730
Dear Kaaawa Elementary School,
I am a top agent of the United States Federal National Secret Civil Intelligence International Informational Bureau. No, I am not commandeering your vehicle. This letter is far more important than that. In fact, it is so important that I took the liberty of sealing it in an envelope prior to sending it so no one could see it. Yes, my friend, we have a crisis. But shh! It’s a secret. The only reason I’m telling you is because I have to. If anyone else finds out, they will have to be promptly terminated. I have a pool full of hungry, hungry hippos in an undisclosed location (my backyard) waiting to devour anyone who knows too much.
Let’s get down to business, though. I cannot reveal the true nature of my mission; that would be highly illegal and I would be burned at the stake by undisclosed person(s) (my co-agents Steve and Harriet). I will, however, be arriving at your school at exactly 10:03a.m. on December 20, 2005. I will be disguised as a kindergartener dressed by his mommy in what she believes are fashionable clothes for a boy my age, when in reality they feature such outmoded characters as the Power Rangers™ and Barney™. But that’s not important. What is imperative is that you DO NOT draw any attention to me. I will be undercover. I was debriefed on this mission by none other than President Bush. It was sickening; why the President needed to remove my underwear was anyone’s guess. But the point is, when I arrive, I WILL BE A NORMAL STUDENT. YOU DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS OPERATION, OR WHO I AM. My name will be Hokaui Ka’a’m’u’ia’eueaii the Kindergartener. At no time are you to ask me questions pertaining to my true, undisclosed identity (Kevin Dickinson) or the nature of my mission. Remember, the hippos are waiting.
Thank you for your cooperation. I must re-iterate that I arrive on the 15th of March 2006. Please acknowledge me as a new student AND NOTHING ELSE.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Top Agent, USFNSCIIIB |
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