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September 26, 2005
L.L. Bean, Inc. Dept. CFM Freeport, ME 04033-0001
Dear L.L. Bean,
I think I may need to order one of your windbreakers. You see, I keep breaking wind and it is disturbing those around me. I work on Wall Street where there are hundreds of people crammed shoulder to shoulder, yelling unintelligible stock mumbo-jumbo and making random hand signals at flashing signs. I seem to break wind often, as my diet consists of: refried beans. That’s all I eat, night and day. And tacos. But mostly refried beans. Mmm, delicious! Do you like refried beans as well? I thought so. After all, who could resist their heavenly aroma floating through the autumn air like a soft white feather in the wind?
How much are your windbreakers? I have $1.28 in my savings account (of course, I will be earning 0.0002% interest next Wednesday) so I’m sure I’ll have enough money. Just in case, though, I have been saving money in my piggy bank. I’m not quite sure how much it contains right now, but I think it’s roughly $0.91. These two values combined are sure to be enough to purchase one of your world-famous windbreakers.
But just as a last resort, I have an emergency savings account in which there are three dollars, all in United States currency. So if your windbreakers are fairly expensive, I will probably have enough money to cover them.
If this isn’t enough, however, which I’m sure it will be, my grandmother has $9 billion stashed away in her underwear drawer. Um, I read about it in a magazine.
Please send me information regarding your windbreakers, specifically the price. I don’t care about the color, unless it’s lime green, hot pink, yellow, red, blue, white, black, burgundy, fuchsia, dark green, very dark green, super dark green, or clear. I won’t wear it if it’s one of those colors. But any other color is great! Thank you.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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Bad customer service at its finest... no
letter, no note, no anything. Just this. |
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Does this mean that when I say, "How much are your windbreakers," it
translates (roughly) to "Please put my address on your mailing list?" They
sent me their Christmas 2005 catalog. And better yet, it says "Here's the
catalog you requested." |
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October 25, 2005
L.L. Bean, Inc. Dept. CFM Freeport, ME 04033-0001
Dear L.L. Bean,
I don’t think I asked you to send me a catalog. If I did, I think I would remember. My personal rule of thumb is to never subscribe to more than seven catalogs at once. I am currently subscribed to eight, thanks to you. Take me off your list you bodaggit!
Besides, the kinds of catalogs I have sent to me are classy ones. Not L.L. Bean. I order gold-encrusted Tupperware from the finest Taiwanese merchants. I have a giant golden Tupperware collection at my house now. Every single Tupperware container has Oreos inside. Stop your munching! They are for decoration.
There is no way I would buy your women’s boots. They are $139. Who charges that much for boots, anyway. How would you like it if I sent you a K.T. Dickinson catalog featuring $139 women’s boots? I think you wouldn’t like it. Which is why TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST!
And yeah, like I’m going to buy your L.L. Bean maple syrup for $39.50 (featured in a lovely shot on page 179). I mean COME ON! 40 bucks for syrup? What are you, stupid?
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson
P.S. Actually, how good is that maple syrup, because I’m looking into buying twelve of them. |
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