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August 23, 2006
De Beers Diamonds 703 Fifth Avenue at 55th Street New York, NY 10022
Dear De Beers Diamonds,
Your store is incredibly elegant. I go nowhere without a touch of elegance. You see, I am a stuck-up, high-class person who doesn’t take “no” for an answer (unless there is a large sum of money involved). I am incredibly rich and I do not buy frivolous, trifling objects like “hamburgers” or “Rolexes.” I eat only the finest caviar, and go sailing in my billion-dollar yacht, which we (my fiancée Renée and I) christened Basking in Elegance late last year.
I recently proposed to Renée, offering her the finest diamond from your elegant store. I spent well over two hours picking it out, ultimately deciding on the largest, most expensive one possible (therefore representing the most love). She, of course, accepted my proposal, because I’m rich, charming, and most of all, elegant.
However, that wretched woman absolutely insists on owning a cat. I for one abhor cats; they are the very spawn of Satan. What purpose does a cat serve, save shedding all over the Persian rugs and filling its litter box with nauseating “presents?” I particularly hate our cat, Thaddeus IV, because it ate the diamond engagement ring. Renée set it on her handcrafted bureau to take a shower, and in less than five minutes the cat had eaten it.
Your slogan is “A Diamond is Forever.” Surely you would not advertise this if it weren’t true. But the diamond I bought my fiancée – the one-of-a-kind, most expensive diamond in your store – only lasted a day. I would normally laugh at the situation and use my infinite wealth to buy another diamond. However, Renée fell in love with the ring I presented her and I must have it back!
What advice do you offer me? How must I go about reclaiming this ring from Thaddeus IV? Please respond hastily as I am afraid to empty the litter box.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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