NOTE: This 2-part letter was sent on two consecutive days, but to the same psychologist. The first one was typewritten and sent on the 18th and the second was handwritten and sent the next day.

September 18, 2006

 

Jolynn-Marie Wagner, Ph.D.

17220 127th Pl. NE, Suite 102

Woodinville, WA 98072

 

Dear Dr. Wagner,

 

It is a pleasure to be corresponding with you! I grew up around the Woodinville, WA area and many of my friends still live there. Some of them are your patients (but I don’t know that because it’s confidential). They say you are the best psychologist out there and that you can cure any disorder! Well, I have a unique disorder myself that requires your attention.

 

I am compulsively Amish. Sure, I may be typing this letter on my laptop now, but when an Amish spasm hits, it’s back to candles and farming! I know this only through the second-hand accounts of my friends and remember nothing of these experiences. I took many powerful hallucinogens in high school but that was a long time ago. (Does that affect me now?) My buddy Lorenzo witnessed this one time: he said I was just sitting there talking to him, and BAM! I started churning butter. He asked me who I was and I said Amos Fisher, “child of the Good Lord.” Supposedly I got mad at his lamp and left the house.

 

I sometimes read the newspaper and see articles like “HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE SLOWS TRAFFIC ON INTERSTATE 295” and “LOCAL BEARDED MAN CAUGHT PLANTING SORGHUM ON STATE PROPERTY” and I wonder… is that me? Am I the Amish man in the news? I wish I could remember these theoretical Amish escapades but long “blackout” periods are all I can recall.

 

Is there anything that can be done to cure my Amish Convulsions? Is this a normal disorder, i.e. do many people experience it? Is it contagious (like laughing)? If there are any treatments or medications available, I would like to know as soon as possible. I am willing to undergo massive shock therapy if it will rid me of my inner Amish man.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Kevin Dickinson

 

P.S. Is your office powered by electricity? A gas-powered office may send me into a relapse.

Here's the handwritten letter from my alter (Amish) ego, Amos Fisher.
This is strange - the first of these letters was a "return to sender," but the second never came back. Perhaps the mail man who delivered them was dyslexic?

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