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October 21, 2006
The Aquatic & Fitness Center 5 Esterbrook Lane Cherry Hill, NJ 08003
Dear Aquatic & Fitness Center,
Why don’t you just call it AquaFitneCent, and spare me the trouble of saying so many words whenever I refer to your gym? Ah, I guess it doesn’t matter. Saying “The Aquatic and Fitness Center” is a workout for your tongue, so maybe you named it that on purpose.
I have been lifting weights all my life. In fact, it’s really all I ever do. My good friend Bill invented a 5,000 pound spoon for me so I can pump up while I’m eating Froot Loops. I keep two weights in the bathroom for when I’m sitting on the John, and I have even trained my body to lift small weights as I sleep.
But now I face a major dilemma in my career: Ron Howard showed up at my doorstep yesterday, and out of the blue he offered me a leading role in his upcoming film Supernerds. I don’t even know Ron Howard, so it was kind of creepy. But he offered me 700 million dollars to play the part, so I am considering it.
I asked myself that night (while bench pressing a treadmill) whether to continue building my manly muscles or to stray from my current path and become an actor. Finally deciding on 700 million dollars, I called Ron Howard. Unfortunately, for me to star in his movie I have to be skinny and nerdy.
That is why I require your assistance, AquaFitneCent. Do you offer some sort of backwards fitness program for situations like this? If not, is there a trainer at your gym who can assist me in losing all my muscle? I have only three months until we start filming, and I must clock in at just under 110 pounds to make the big bucks. Ron Howard says I’ll be playing Dexter Poindexter, the nerdiest kid in high school who becomes the most popular and good-looking kid by the end of the year. Brilliant! What an original and imaginative plot! I can’t wait to start!
Please send me any literature available on backwards fitness. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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