September 28, 2006

Kashi Company

Attn: Mr. Jeff Grogg
P.O. Box 8557
La Jolla, CA 92038

Dear Mr. Grogg,

The other day I was staring at that magical box most people call a television. Kashi foods tried to brainwash me by putting enticing images of their delicious products on the screen… so delicious that you were confident I would like them, and that you were willing to “eat the cardboard box” if I didn’t. Of course, I am one of those consumers who can’t help but buy everything I ever see on commercials. My pantry is loaded with all kinds of foods I will never eat but was forced to buy at the whim of corporate marketers. Blast them and their Creamed Spam!

Thus I went out to buy some Kashi bars (is it pronounced “CASH-ee,” or “KAH-shee?” Or maybe “CAW-shee” if you live in New York. Or is it “kaSHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!”?

Upon arriving back at my house, I opened up a Kashi bar and its mouth-watering aroma caused my body to transcend into the Plane of Eternal Tastiness! Then I actually bit into it and it tasted like cardboard. Since my distaste for your products forces you, under a strict and binding legal contract, to eat the cardboard box, I would like to have proof that you are going to do this. Please send me video evidence, on VHS or DVD, directly to my house so that I am convinced you held up your part of the deal. This should be a clip of you eating the entire box, with no elapsed time or camera cuts, and should only finish when the contents are in your stomach.

On a related note, I bet my college friends one time that I couldn’t eat a cardboard box. I was really drunk and pointed to a refrigerator box. Needless to say, I won $100. So here’s some advice: chew thoroughly and drink lots of water.

I await your video clip.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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