October 18, 2006

Beano

c/o GlaxoSmithKline

One Franklin Plaza

PO Box 7929

Philadelphia, PA 19101

Dear Beano Manufacturers,

It was a cold, wintry day in 1982. The judges sat in awe as the world’s two best flatulence champions stood facing each other in Times Square, teeth bared and tacos ready. The crowd fell silent as the contest was about to begin. Nobody came just for fun; they were all there supporting their favorite cheese-cutter. On that day you were either there for Chicago Bob or you were there for Killer Kevin. Yes, on that snowy afternoon the entire world stopped as people watched from their homes, offices, and bathrooms. Men watched with their friends; women watched with their babies.

And as quickly as the contest date seemed to arrive, it began with full force. Killer Kevin and Chicago Bob were stuffing down tacos and burritos like there was no tomorrow, and the hazmat team readied the fartometers. Chicago Bob let out a 9.2! This was going to be tough to beat. But Killer Kevin, who had been holding a big one in for two weeks, let out an 11.1 on the fartometer – which only went up to 10! K-Squared fans roared with joy! Killer Kevin kissed babies! Chicago Bob went home, deserted by his formerly loyal followers.

I’m sure you have heard this story over and over again. It’s the famous tale of the ‘82 World Farting Championships. And I, Kevin Dickinson, was once known as “Killer Kevin” – that’s right, the same one on the front page of the New York Times the next day. I went on to win contest after contest all over the world – from New York City to Singapore to Belarus to Belgium. Yes, those were the days. My neck was littered with medals and Time magazine honored me as the 1982 “Man of the Year.”

But in 1995, Chicago Bob was fed up with my fame and fortune. He demanded a rematch… an underwater rematch. The judges would announce the winner as the man who produced the largest bubble. Some say this day was fated to the two of us when we were born – and some just say Chicago Bob was jealous. I’d like to believe both.

February 19, 1995: Chicago Bob and Killer Kevin are lowered into the Atlantic Ocean, right near Liberty Island. Wouldn’t you know it, Chicago Bob had amassed thousands of fans for this event. But Killer Kevin fans were equal in number, and the entire crowd chanted louder and louder for their favorite farter.

Holding their breath, Chicago Bob from the “Windy City” and Killer Kevin from “Somewhere Else” stored up some big farts down there with the fishes. Chicago Bob let out a giant bubble! This was going to be tough to beat. The judges, waiting at the surface, saw Killer Kevin’s bubble next… but it was only half the size of Chicago Bob’s. The two windbreakers arose to the surface to learn their fate, and let me just say it was not a good day for me. For 13 consecutive years I had been the World Farting ChampMaster, but it was if all that had been taken away from me by Chicago Bob’s large aquatic fart.

Since 1995, people have approached me on the street, many of them former Killer Kevin fans. “You can’t fart worth crap, loser!” they will say. “Leave the flatulence to Chicago Bob, the real American hero!” I simply cannot take it any longer! And this year’s contest is sure to be even tougher than ever with a third contestant, a newcomer by the name of Gaseous Gavin.

Recently I was searching the Internet for a way to cure lime Jell-O stains when I came across “Beano.” This product, so you claim, is used for flatulence. Bingo! That’s just what I need! I’ll literally blow the competition away. I am writing to inquire the following: How much is too much Beano? I want to take 3 or 4 bottles of this stuff right before the contest, so I can regain my World ChampMaster status. Please let me know! The competition (as you are well aware if you read the New York Times) is this January. Thank you! Enclosed is an autographed picture from the 1989 US Navy Farting Competition.

Pull My Finger,

Kevin Dickinson

Aka “Killer Kevin”

enc: signed “Killer Kevin” photo

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