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June 26, 2006
Walker & Company 104 Fifth Avenue New York, NY 10011
Dear, Walker Publishing Company-
I am the author of a grammar book for childrens. It is entitled, “Dr. Grammer’s Rules of Grammar”. My name is Kevin Dickinson but I am also known as Dr. Grammer. I have been interested in correct punctuation; and proper grammar for the past ten years. My other interests include egg chucking and trying to fix my damn TV. Here is some of my favorite punctuation: .,”()!J; and I ABHOR the double-S (§) because I am afraid of snakes.
I wrote “Dr. Grammer’s Rules of Grammar” back in 2002 and let me tell you, book sales were terrible! I sold 17 copies, 18 of which I bought myself. (I returned one because it was so bad) So this year, I have re-written the book for a 2th edition, and now I want to release it to the public. Chapter 1 is called “The Period: Shut up, Sentence!” and Chapter two is called “Commas: For When You Want to Say Something Else But Aren’t Ready to End the First Thought.” These carefully planned chapter names provide the reader with insights into the chapters themselves. Whenever I read a book, I wish the chapters would have names, so that I could just read them instead of all those pesky words. But for my book, read everything.
Speaking of words though my book comes with a supplement section which lists all the types of words they’re are. There are 4 types of words, Noun, Verb, Adjective, and Insult. My book goes in detail for each of these, listing what they are, how they are used, and I also put chicken recipes in there if you are hungry.
Grammar makes me starving!
I chose your publishing company because it was the first one I came across on Google when I searched for “egg-laying mammal OR publishing company New York”. I figure with that kind of top priority on the worlds leading search engine, your publishing company must be good. I bet it even has it’s own water fountain.
Anyway, I have the complete manuscript right here in front of me please let me know about me sending it to you.
Sincerely,
“Dr. Grammer” Soon to be a Literary Pulitzer Prize Winner |
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August 17, 2006
Walker & Company 104 Fifth Avenue New York, NY 10011
Dearest Walker Publishing COMPANY
I am Kevin Dickinson, as you well know from my last letter, in which I explained how I am the author, of the book “Dr. Grammer’s Rules of Grammar.” I am very excited to re-release this book and you have not shown you’re share of enthusiasm!! Come on now! Love the grammar! It loves you back.
I wrote my original letter to you in June 26, of 2006. (around 1pm) I am disappointed that you have not written back thus far. But maybe it is for the better!
Since my first letter I have added a new supplement section to my grammor book for young peoples. It is entitled, “Grammar in the World Around You.” It is all about how you can use grammar in fun everyday situations! Picture your boss firing you for being lazy. He might say something along the lines of, “Hey, you’re so lazy. I’m firing you!” And instead of you stumbling and stuttering, you will be prepared with a grammatically sound sentence. “Yes, I may be lazy,” you will say. “But at least I know what a ADVERB is LOSER!” You will sure feel better about yourself after that!
I am Dr. Grammer – embrace me like a brother! I will provide you with my manuscript. We can get together for lunch, do you like enchiladas. Or if you prefer we can meet in the bare and desolate office you call your office. Give me a holler! You will make money from my book!
Cordially, <---Do you know what this word means? I don’t
“Dr. Grammer” e.g. Kevin Dickinson |
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September 21, 2006
Walker & Company 104 Fifth Avenue New York, NY 10011
Alright Walker Publishing Company~
Ive had enough tomfoolery. This is the 3th time I am writing you. I want to publish my childrens grammor book “Dr Grammers Rules o’ Grammar” but you seem to show no interest;
That is why I added a new section on Wensday. Its called “Section 6: I take back everything I said in Section 5.” I read my manuscript the other day and boy are there typo’s. For example, in Section 5 I teached childrens how to say contractions. I wanted to spell “they are” in its contraction form and I used “their” instead of “there.” And to think, I’m a grammer book author!
So I left the whole thing as it was but added Section 6. It’s the most revolutionary grammer book in existence! It doesn’t just teach people how to get good grammar. It teaches them about mistakes beforehand so they don’t make none! Let’s make up an imaginary reader. His name is Harriet. He reads five sections, learnin’ the good grammar, and suddenly gets to SECTION SIX! Then he goes OH, that’s how you do it! And it sticks in his mind like glue on a jelly stick.
With normal grammar books, people are bored of reading them at the 2th paragraph. But with mine, people will read section six and HAVE to read the rest, otherwise they’ll be stupid from reading sections 1 thru 5.
So this time let’s open up our Word Processor and get some Computer Ink and write me a letter. I think I can benefit the world with this book for childrens. As I mentioned in the preamble, I wrote you two times before this letter. So I’m getting fed up, but I’m not mad because anger don’t sell books.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson
P.S. I added a section (17.5) for people who want to learn White Trash. This is for run-down neighborhoods ONLY. It’s all about double negatives and swearing. I mean, ALL of us can’t be good at grammer. Then it would be boring. |
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