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August 10, 2006
Academy Uptown Bowling Lanes 394 Academy Road Winnipeg, MB R3N 0B8 Canada
Dear Academy Lanes,
I plan to visit Canada shortly and will be staying in Winnipeg. I am a ginormous fan of bowling! Friends call me “Strikin’ Steve!” My name is Kevin; I stole Strikin’ Steve’s embroidered jacket after he suffered a tragic spleen attack. (The police don’t know where his jacket went!) I wish I, too, could have such a nifty nickname. But alas, I am the worst bowler in the history of the world.
Usually, me attempting to knock down at least 1 pin is as successful as me running for President (1.9% chance of being elected). I am responsible for numerous gaping holes in bowling alley ceilings, hundreds of cracked bowling balls, and two deaths. Currently wanted in nine counties on charges of using a bowling ball as a weapon (I was just trying to bowl normally) I don’t see a light at the end of my Bowling Tunnel. Sure, I would blame it on a bad day, an injured hand, or even a tiny and mischievous Asian man behind the lanes who always ensured the pins remained upright. But I alone knew the horrible truth: I could never knock a single pin down for the rest of my miserable life.
That was until I conjured up an ingenious invention: the electronic bowling ball! It rolls, it spins, it curves! It’s the future for terrible bowlers! Just imagine, being able to talk with friends, cook a chicken, or even build a deck while effortlessly scoring a strike! You don’t even have to look at the lane!
After a year of hard work, I have finally developed a prototype, and I wish to test it out. By using this ball, I will cause no damage and kill no man. It does all the work for me! And since I will be staying in Winnipeg, home of the Academy Uptown Lanes, I thought I’d ask permission to use my electronic bowling ball (or EBB) at your alley.
Please let me know! If this is successful I will give the ball to your lanes when I am finished (I have built several backups, just in case). Perhaps the EBB could be the trademark ball of the Academy Lanes! I look forward to hearing back from you!
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson “The 300 Man” |
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