|
|
|
|
|
October 4, 2006
Voorhees Board of Education 329 State Hwy. 73 Voorhees, NJ 08043
Dear Voorhees Board of Education,
As a former Marlton, NJ superintendent and principal of the Hare Krishna Protestant Elementary School in Drugs, Kansas, I know a thing or two about education. Over the last 54 years, I have strived to bring out the best in each boy and girl under my school’s roof. From time to time, students have come to me with suggestions on how to improve their learning environment. Unfortunately, I was unable to implement these ideas, because (a) there was a lack of funding, and (b) some of the ideas were stupid. Now, with the help of the Voorhees Board of Education, the students’ dreams can become reality!
That’s right, board members. I am asking you for funding for the Mostly Gifted Children Elementary School. This new school will serve as an educational home base, if you will, for many gifted children (and some average children if there is room). I will implement every suggestion I have heard, save those from students in the third-floor carpeted classroom, in the MGC School. There is no better time to build this “edifying edifice” because I have already chosen a full staff. Handpicked from the finest corners of the country, these excellent men and women will enlighten the minds of both our children and their community.
First, there is Edna the Lunch Lady. An expert in cooking mystery meats, Edna is a sure bet when it comes to cafeteria personnel. After all, what’s a day at school without a hearty meal? Next, we have Miss Wrjskyjski, our beloved new nutritionist and P.E. teacher. Sure, she clocks in at a little over 400 pounds, but she promises to go on a diet one day soon. She does not speak English. There is also Ms. Frappuchino (she’s Italian or something), the guidance counselor. “When a student punches another student in the eye,” she always says, “I tell them to stop doing that.” Ten years of skyscraper construction qualify her for this job in my eyes.
Our two new kindergarten teachers, Mrs. Jenkins and Mrs. Jenkins, are Siamese twins separated at birth. Mrs. Jenkins only has one arm and Mrs. Jenkins has 1.5 brains. One of them is married to Teddy “Rats” Manila, star of Return of the Darth Jedi Person. At the first grade level, Mr. Lysp brightens his students’ days. Though he has a severe speech impediment (he is mute) his innovative teaching method (“pointing to things”) is sure to inspire our children to think in new and more creative ways.
Through what I like to call “Progressive Learning,” the students at MGC are able to skip second through fifth grades. After first grade, we do not give the students a summer break, but rather transfer them to the sixth grade classroom while their minds are still a-thinkin’.
As “big kids” in sixth grade, they will meet Mr. McNanderfield. Kalvin McNanderfield is a retired WWI vet who will go on and on with his war stories even when the kids want to learn about space (the final frontier). His ramblings about blood, gore, and “Charlie” will force the students’ minds to mature instantly, such that they earn a full year’s education in about a week. After that, it’s off to college (or whatever comes next).
I will need about seventy billion dollars for the construction of this school, and another $1,700 to pay the teachers. Keep in mind that I am asking for a loan, not a grant, so you will be paid back in full (unless I move to Guam). Please let me know if you are able to fund the Mostly Gifted Children Elementary School.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Education Expert |
|
|
|
|
