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September 9, 2006
The Home Depot 2160 Route 70 West Cherry Hill, NJ 08002
Dear Home Depot,
I am a mad scientist. I have various jars with preserved brains, I mess with lightning – you know, that sort of thing. My father was a mad scientist and his father was a mad scientist as well, so I got a degree in Mad Scientry to preserve the tradition. I kind of look like Doc Brown from Back to the Future, but with more freckles. Recently I bought Mad Science for Dummies (Herbert McDoogle, 9th ed.) but I finished all the experiments in there. (I wouldn’t recommend this book, though, because there’s not enough internal organ usage.) The other day I was sitting in my creepy underground laboratory (one of the perks of the profession) trying to think of some new horrible, horrible experiments to conduct when a bell rang in my head. (I installed it Tuesday on a whim)
I had been riveted by the movie Frankenstein over ten times (and read the first sentence of the book in disgust) but it never occurred to me to replicate Dr. Frankenstein’s infamous experiment until then. So I ordered an over-sized corpse from Mad Science Weekly and 6-8 weeks later I started the long and arduous process that would lead up to the reanimation of dead tissue! Well, wouldn’t you know it, I was making all kinds of noise and my next-door neighbor Bob called the cops on me. He doesn’t like me, mainly because three years ago I blew up my lab and all other buildings within a thousand-foot radius. Also I often ring his doorbell and run away.
Anyway, to get to the point: It took me over a year, but my creation was finally finished! Bob called the cops again when I screamed “IT’S ALIVE!!” for dramatic effect. I was almost arrested for murder but I told the cops the dead body was my Aunt Ethel who was taking her evening nap on a cold metal table high in the air. (They believed it)
Long story short: Frankenstein Jr.’s head is about to fall off, because he very stupidly made a bet with some college guys that he could throw one of his neck bolts into a beer cup 50 feet away. He was really drunk and he lost the bolt, but I only had two to begin with so I couldn’t replace it. Unfortunately, between the time I decided to create a monster and when he made that bet, Mad Science Weekly had discontinued selling the bolt. It’s a standard 3/8” Monster Neck Bolt. I was wondering if Home Depot carried it. I’m willing to do anything to get it back. Frankenstein Jr. (who, for some reason, insists upon being called Julian) is very irritable with his head falling halfway off. Please let me know!
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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