July 15, 2006

Stillwater Country Club

5215 Country Club Road

Stillwater, OK 74074

Dear Stillwater Country Club,

I was wondering if you could clear something up for me. The milk man, the UPS guy, the local weatherman and I were all hanging out the other day, playing Scrabble. We got bored – and by that I mean the weather man threw the board across the room when we insisted to him that “blarf” was not a word. We needed something to do, so we pondered the mysteries of life. We figured out the meaning of existence, etc. etc., and got to #18: Why do golfers wear funny pants? We pondered and pondered but could not come up with a solid answer. We did, however, construct several theories that I am hoping you can prove or disprove:

1.     Golfers wear funny pants because they spent all their money on nice golf clubs and all that was left at Goodwill was funny pants.

2.     They think that by wearing pants from 1967, they can actually travel through time so that they can determine how Elvis really died (I firmly believe he fell off a spinny thing at a playground.)

3.     Golfing pants have been passed down for generations (and never washed, to preserve the luck).

4.     To repel other golfers

Please let me know if any of these are true – or if not, what the real reasoning is behind those funny pants. I couldn’t find Arnold Palmer’s address, so I’m asking you.

Thank you for your time, and I truly hope you can solve this conundrum for us!

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

September 3, 2006

Stillwater Country Club

5215 Country Club Road

Stillwater, OK 74074

Dear Stillwater Country Club,

On July 15, I sent you a letter, asking you why golfers wear funny pants. Although the theories I presented you were solid, they were not thoroughly researched and lacked the credibility they needed to succeed in the golfing community. Over the past month I have done some research, and I found out the real answer! I finally solved the mystery of why golfers wear funny pants. Brace yourself!

THE THEORY:

In the 1950s, the entire world was in black and white. Previously, people believed that only T.V. was in black and white. But this was not the case. People, animals, the entire world – it all lacked color because color had not yet been invented. But the world was at peace; everyone smiled and waved to each other, and no one talked about sex, and people watered their lawns and their newspapers landed perfectly on their front porches.

Then, in 1959, a scientist named Eustis MacGyver, in a failed attempt to invent the Solar-Powered Spork, “accidentally” invented the color Blue when some of his chemicals spilled onto the ground. He tried to keep it a secret, but soon the public found out and was going crazy! Everything was blue soon after, from plants to dirt to people’s skin. But then he invented Red, and some other scientists used his formula to create Yellow. People began experimenting with the three colors. They made orange, green, purple, etc. and before you could say “tax bracket” thousands of colors came to existence.

Yes, the 1960s saw a color revolution. People started wearing rainbow clothes – color was the new black! Some people couldn’t get enough color. They took powerful drugs to enhance this new, colorful world even further. Eustis MacGyver went to court, but he couldn’t prove that color was indeed his original idea, and he never made a cent from his revolutionary invention.

But not everyone loved color. War raged in the streets; people protested. Eustis MacGyver, seeing this horrible situation unfold, vowed never to invent anything again. In fact, he devoted the rest of his life to the creation of horribly colored pants, to get his revenge on the world.

These ungodly pants became quite popular among older citizens (most of them golfers), who remembered the “good old days” of black and white and wore them as a way to protest. Although the majority of today’s golfers were but wee lads in the 1950s, the “fashion statement” has been passed on for many generations (one). And that is why, my friends, golfers wear funny pants.

I want to know what you think of this theory. Specifically, I would like to know if there are any golfers at your Country Club who remember the black and white world of the 1950s (for further research). Please let me know!!! (I have forwarded a copy of my theory to Popular Science for review)

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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