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August 28, 2006
Chef Boyardee ConAgra Foods, Inc. P.O. Box 3768 Dept CB Omaha, NE 68103-3768
Dear ConAgra Foods,
My wife Petunia and I recently moved to a new house. We have nine children, so moving was a major hassle. But Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli gave us the strength we needed to get the job done in an expedient fashion! We ate can after can of this amazing product, then proceeded to lift lots of heavy furniture. We didn’t even hire movers!
However, this is not the reason I am writing you today. When Petunia and I were collecting all the ancient artifacts of the attic (don’t you just adore my amazingly awesome alliteration?) we came across a very old, very detailed family tree Great-Grandma Perkins drew up in 1923. We spent over an hour up there in the attic, looking at this family tree and reminiscing about countless awkward family moments. But then I noticed something peculiar… a branch I had never seen on my side of the family. The “Boyardee” branch.
I thought I knew my family history well, so this came as quite a surprise. I went to the local library and did some research, and sure enough Chef Boyardee was my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. His real name was Formaggio Boyardee but the name “Chef” caught on soon after he started working for a restaurant that served pasta in the shapes of popular characters. Further research shed light on an ancient family blood vendetta that ultimately ended up in the death of the last living Boyardee (his only child, a daughter, changed her name after marriage). Thus the reason for the lack of Boyardees in my present family.
I believe that with this kind of family connection, I am more closely related to the “Chef Boyardee” product line than even the CEO of ConAgra Foods. With this in mind, I should be entitled to some percentage of the Chef Boyardee sales, as well as payment to compensate for past sales. The very blood of your beloved ravioli icon flows through my veins and through the veins of my children!
Please let me know about this situation. I truly believe this is the only fair way to go. If you would like, I can send you a copy of my family tree as proof.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Proven Descendant of “Chef” Boyardee |
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October 9, 2006
Chef Boyardee ConAgra Foods, Inc. P.O. Box 3768 Dept CB Omaha, NE 68103-3768
Dear ConAgra Foods,
I have been following the mailman around everywhere he goes, hoping he will have your response to my letter of August 28. I was there, hiding in his vanity cabinet, when he was brushing his teeth. I concealed myself in his closet when he was folding laundry. I slid into the refrigerator, peeking through the door, when his family sat down to dinner. And, of course, I followed behind him at 50 feet whenever he delivered the mail. It’s been a month and a half and I am growing tired of my clandestine spy escapades. Unlike most consumers, I understand that at a large corporation one letter may get lost among the rest every so often. I’m sure you wrote the response, and meant to send it out to me but it got lost in a pile of memos. So I am giving you another chance.
My previous letter described the occasion on which I discovered I was the direct descendant of Chef Boyardee. I am submitting proof of my relation to your mascot this time: it is an excerpt from the family tree my Great-Grandma Perkins made in 1923.
This family tree is 100% accurate; therefore, with this new evidence, I urge you to reconsider my proposal from the last letter. This was the distribution of a small percentage of Chef Boyardee sales to me, and possibly a lifetime supply of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni™. As the legal descendant of Formaggio “Chef” Boyardee, I believe I am entitled to such a portion of your profits.
Please write back with details. I look forward to receiving money from your fine company in the future, and my family and I will continue to eat nothing but Chef Boyardee products. Wow! Our sodium level is through the roof.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson-Boyardee |
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