September 21, 2006

GM Corporation
P.O. Box 33170
Detroit, MI 48232-5170

Dear Gruesome Massacre Company (just kidding),

Hey. I was just playing around there. I know GM really stands for “Gamma-Ray Manufacturers.” Anyway, I was just wondering if you could use my input. You see, you discontinued the production of “Geo” cars in 2004, much to my dismay. I believe it is high time to bring them back!

And what better way to do this than with a snappy new model? I present to you the new Geo… the Gyro! Never before has something of this caliber been attempted. With a new name, people who disliked Geos in the past will be willing to try them again (without knowing). But that’s not all. All Gyro cars will be equipped with the revolutionary new acceleration system… the “Gyro.” Sorry, I ran out of clever names.

Here’s how it works! Because I know you’re dying to find out. Would you kill somebody to know the secret? Let’s not go there, you psychopath. But if you’re going to do it anyway, your basement is not a good place to hide the body. (Maybe put it in the trunk of a Gyro.)

Inside the hood are 1,000 gyroscopes that keep the car in perpetual motion (until it stops). Imagine this: it’s 6:45am and it’s time for that morning commute we all know and love. Lift up your hood and pull the string! Watch those gyroscopes spin! WOW! Then get in real quick before they slow down (increased start-up times expected in cold weather).

This car doesn’t have an engine, and it doesn’t use gasoline. Just a minor precaution: the gyroscopes will stop moving when you come to a red light. But that’s no problem for the GM Gyro! Instead of a radio (who needs one?) there is a string with a handle attached to the dashboard. Just pull it really hard (sometimes up to three times) and the gyroscopes will spin!

WARNING: Do not attempt this when there are people behind you at a red light. Not responsible for road rage injuries and/or death.

The Gyro is the next-generation car of the future. My friend put on a lab coat yesterday and was therefore authorized to guess that by 2012 everyone in America will be driving one. Of course, if you don’t like it I can call Ford. I have connections. (I know somebody who drives by a Ford dealership on their way to work.)

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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