November 23, 2006

Kraft Foods, Inc.

Three Lakes Drive

Northfield, IL 60093

Dear Kraft Foods,

I am mildly dismayed, moderately disappointed, somewhat alarmed, rather disenchanted, quite disillusioned, fairly dissatisfied, relatively disheartened, reasonably dejected, and pretty disgruntled at the fact that Jell-O “Instant Pudding” is nowhere near instant.

Sure, it was an ordinary day. I thought I’d make some Jell-O instant pudding for the kids. You know how that brings a smile to their cute little kid faces. But they didn’t get their pudding that day, no. Mainly because I threw the box out the window in disgust (for the purposes of this letter, it “committed suicide”).

I fully expected a bowl full of cold pudding to fall out of that tiny box, but you let me down you crazy Jell-O makers! (Do your heavyset workers “wiggle” as well?) How could Bill Cosby endorse such a horribly manipulative product? Oh, the horror! I did not know Jell-O pudding had to be prepared. What a silly concept, considering the word “INSTANT” right on the front of the package.

Because I have had such a horrible experience with your company, I expect you to respond quickly. In fact, I expect you to be lively as you type out the response, perhaps whistling and smiling at coworkers. Although a written apology will not rectify the situation, unless it is mailed alongside several bowls of cold vanilla pudding, (spoons are a plus) it will certainly help me to sleep at night. How do you feel knowing that the kids did not get Jell-O pudding? They are about to drop out of school now. One of them just turned goth and got 17 piercings on his face. It’s all because there was no pudding that day!

I want you to acknowledge your wrongs, and help me to regain control of myself. Right now I am traveling to the far corners of my town, burning everything in my path.

A Bit Distraught,

Kevin Dickinson

Father of 7 crying, Jell-O-less children

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