August 18, 2006

Achievement Through Counseling

1745 N 4^th Street

Philadelphia, PA 19122

Dear Achievement Through Counseling,

I am fully aware of the fact that most of your patients undergo therapy for marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and various other delicious substances. I have a unique request, however. I eat too many jelly beans. My boss Mr. Snippet often catches me “in the act” at work and I fear I am about to lose my job. During meetings I always respond to questions with “MMMpphmmAamph,” or the textual equivalent of me trying to respond to a question at a meeting with a mouth full of jelly beans (just typing “jelly beans” is giving me chills. JELLY BEANS JELLY BEANS JELLY BEANS)

These beans of the jelly persuasion have been a personal favorite of mine since I was six years old. My father had numerous business connections with famous politicians, CEOs, talk show hosts, etc. He was rich and powerful, so to show off his power he built himself a study. He filled it with thick books from ceiling to floor (he knew, of course, he would never read them – in fact, he was illiterate) and said things like “Yes, quite splendid!” and “Old chap” with a pipe in his mouth. (It blew bubbles)

To top this all off, he put a massive jar of jelly beans on his desk next to his caviar (which he didn’t eat). I snuck in there one day, at night, and started eating them. By morning the jar was empty. Sure, I got a good beating, and that’s why my left leg doesn’t work anymore. But I never seem to have learned my lesson, and I keep eating jelly beans everywhere I go.

It has gotten so bad that I keep a pouch of them in the inside pocket of my trench coat (because all addicts wear trench coats) and I slowly devour the contents over the course of the day. My habit does not go unnoticed. My coworkers often find jelly beans on the floor, in the stairwells, in desk drawers, in the water cooler, etc.

Please help! My addiction is costing me over three hundred dollars a week (I only eat gourmet jelly beans). If I lose my job I won’t be able to support my habit! That’s why I am writing to you: I need career therapy. If you can help me keep my job, I will be able to support my jelly bean addiction and everything will be O.K.!

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

JELLY BEANS JELLY BEANS JELLY BEANS

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