December 14, 2006

Cadbury Schweppes plc

25 Berkeley Square

London, W1J 6HB

United Kingdom

Dear Cadbury Schweppes,

Your Dr. Pepper soda is the best on the planet! I always make it a “true” Dr. Pepper by dumping several packets of ground black pepper into the bottle. Delicious! You should manufacture it that way – it gives your soda a peppery ZING! Who is Dr. Pepper, anyway? Can I have his cell phone number? I’d like to speak with him on this matter.

Anyway, that’s just a side note – the real reason I’m writing you this letter is to discuss a recent discovery I made, recently. The other day while I was buying a Christmas gift for my neurosurgeon (a soul CD and some Gaelic texts) I saw a giant cardboard Santa and wondered, “Who the heck thought of this guy anyway?” Because somebody had to have sat down, saying “OK. Let’s create some sort of Christmas character, who is really fat and jumps down people’s chimneys and puts sleds and teddy bears under their living room pine trees, and who eats lots of cookies and travels with a flock of magical deer.” So I did a little research (I ran up to the people in my neighborhood, grabbed them by the shirt and demanded answers) and found that the Coca-Cola company gave Santa Claus his modern look – the red and white suit, and the jolliness (i.e. girth). Yes, what began as a simple marketing ploy developed into the greatest present-toting, reindeer-harnessing hoax ever to live! (In the minds of children, at least.) So... why don’t you create a holiday character to rival Santa Claus?

Just think about it. Why do people drink Coca-Cola? It tastes like muddy rainwater, but people keep chugging it because it’s backed by Santa. Coca-Cola has become such an ingrained part of American life that there might as well be a fourth branch of the government devoted to it. Therefore, I think you should introduce “Kwanzaa Quentin” – or better yet, Kwanzaa Kwentin – to boost your sales. Even rich people and astronauts will start drinking Dr. Pepper.

Kwanzaa Kwentin is a jolly fat man in a black, red, and green suit! He comes down the chimney to light candles and pour libations! And the best part: he is never seen without a fizzing bottle of Dr. Pepper! So work quickly, people – the holiday season is nigh (I hate that word!) Or if you need to, just introduce him next year. But by all means, give the world Kwanzaa Kwentin!

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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