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July 18, 2006
Office Max #398 Eastgate Square 1190 Nixon Drive Mount Laurel, NJ 08054 ATTN: General Manager
To Whom it May Concern,
I shop at Office Max for all of my office needs! I know just where to turn when I run out of staplers (this happens every Tuesday). I use my life for two purposes: one is to fill my office with useful office supplies, and the other is to help combat fatal diseases by working around the clock in my research laboratory. I am an official scientist, with an official white lab coat and thick Coke-bottle glasses from the 60s. I say things like “Brilliant!” and “This just may work!” and I don’t go anywhere without my clipboard. It has just three papers on it, but they are all Vital to My Job. I haven’t figured out why yet, but that’s not the point. The top paper is full of pencil marks (nothing else) from when I go around looking intrigued, during which time I make it look like I’m checking boxes. I ask random people scientific questions they can’t possibly understand, using long words and Latin whenever I can, then I say “mm-hmm…” with a puzzled look and draw some check marks.
The other day, I was looking for new ways to combat fatal diseases, when it dawned on me that scientists often use mice for their research. I figured, since this is what scientists do, I should go get some mice. So on the way home from golfing (I hate golf, but it’s what successful people do) I stopped by your store. I then proceeded to buy 50 mice, all of which were so conveniently packaged in nicely designed boxes.
I got back to my lab and realized that none of them were chirping (or whatever mice do) so I figured they were all dead. I opened one of the boxes and found a hard plastic device with a long cord. This is not what I wanted to buy. How am I supposed to inject important new scientific substances into these mice if they are not even real? Now I will probably never cure Humberger Disease (I was so close).
What is your refund policy for 50 mice, one of which has been opened but sealed again with Scotch tape? I would like to know if I am able to refund these before I go to your store. I have the receipt, although it has been slightly chewed up by one of my “experiments.”
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Extraordinarily Prominent Scientist |
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