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November 28, 2006
SuperFresh 101 East Route 70 Marlton, NJ 08053
Dear SuperFresh,
I could not help but notice that your slogan is “I love this store!” I’m afraid this may prevent me from shopping there in the future, since I only like your store moderately. Don’t get me wrong; I used to run up and down your aisles with a loaf of bread and a sack of potatoes, screaming your slogan for the world to hear. That is, until the vegetable incident.
That’s right, I am complaining. I’m sure you get enough of these letters a day, and don’t feel like reading another one. “My son got abducted in your store, and you were out of beans,” the other ones probably read. “The cashier was slow and obnoxious, and I only got four coupons.” But alas, my letter is different from the rest. My experience with your store and its products is so horrible, and my experience so severe, that it may one day be documented on the Discovery Channel on the show I Shouldn’t Be Alive. Because on Thanksgiving, I almost died.
I was at your store the day before Turkey Day, preparing for the big meal the following night. I had a cart full of vegetables, Worcestershire sauce, and Cheerios, because my extended family always eats those things in that order. I checked out and went home – still “loving” your store like the slogan suggested.
Thanksgiving night: Uncle Stinky was telling his usual stories of working in a cloud factory, and Grandma Straussen was handing out her famous lobster muffins (she bakes the claws right inside). We all sat down at the table, our eyes fixed on Big Bird, and began to eat. I served myself some steamed broccoli (my favorite tree-like vegetable) and some corn (my favorite tiny yellow vegetable). But those vegetables betrayed me! They were touching each other on my plate. I will not have such Thanksgiving heresy! “You sacrilegious vegetables!” I yelled at my dish. By now my relatives were excusing themselves to play shuffleboard in disgust.
If you ever want me as a customer again, you need to stop selling magnetic vegetables. There had to have been an inch (1”) of space between the broccoli and the corn when I put them on my plate. I’m no Isaac Newton, but there is no law of gravitational pull between two vegetables of equal deliciousness. Please, for the sake of delectable deceased turkeys, stop this vegetable heterodoxy – before our beloved holiday comes to a most abrupt end.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson A Man Minus His Turkey
P.S. Did you know that Isaac Newton planted the first fig tree? This famous event is how the popular cookie “Chips Ahoy” got its name. |
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