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July 26, 2006
Lionel LLC Customer Service 50625 Richard W Blvd Chesterfield, MI 48051
Dear Lionel,
I am a lifelong collector of your amazing model trains and have turned my entire basement into a giant city. At any given time in a 24-hour day there are at least 17 trains running. I have hired three assistants who work in shifts operating the trains (after all, the people of the city can’t afford to have the trains break down)! My father was an “engineer” and his father and father’s father were also engineers. I plan to have 8 children who will grow up with nothing but Lionel trains.
The other night, I was working the third shift down in the basement during a massive thunderstorm. After about 45 minutes I heard a loud BOOM – I didn’t know it at the time but lightning had struck my house directly. Needless to say, the power went out. All the power lines had snapped from the electrical force, but the lights mysteriously turned back on at 4:05am. As strange as this was, I rushed to get the trains up and running so there would be no more delays for the “citizens.”
You will not believe this when you read it, but there were actual citizens (live ones!) living in my basement city, ready to board the trains. Was it the electric shock that brought them all to life? I may never know. But they started yelling up at me! “I do SAY, sir, when WILL this train be departing?! I’ve been waiting for AGES and I don’t think I’ll be arriving at my CAVIAR party anytime soon, mind you.”
These weren’t just any people – they were all upper-class 19th century sophisticates – the kind who use umbrellas on sunny days and never wear anything short of suits and elegant dresses. Able-bodied men who nonetheless carried canes and wore top hats to the most informal of events.
It’s been 3 days since these people came to life, and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I have no problem running the trains for them 24-7; it’s what I would do normally. But their complaints are incessant! Nothing is ever to their taste. At one point I saw a gentleman inside the model arcade, yelling, “OH! This is MILDLY amuuuusing!”
I want to send these people to you. I don’t want them anymore. I can’t continue to live like this!!! Please write back as soon as humanly possible so that we might work out the best way to send them. I have empty egg cartons that will work! Please help me Lionel!
All Aboard,
Engineer Kevin Dickinson |
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September 11, 2006
Lionel LLC Customer Service 50625 Richard W Blvd Chesterfield, MI 48051
Dear Lionel,
On July 26 I wrote you a desperate letter to try and get rid of the miniature people that came to life in my basement train city during a lightning storm (the letter is enclosed). As soon as humanly possible does not mean a month and a half later, folks. These people have been nothing but trouble, I tell you! Sure, it’s easy to feed them. Whatever’s left on my plate after a hearty meal will nourish them all for days. But there is no stopping their incessant comments! “I de-CLARE, why EVER are we so small?” one will de-CLARE. Another might say “Please be so kind as to pass the caviar, Edwin,” or “I’m late again for another meeting of The Society for Snobby Wealthy People! Blast these train engineers!”
I cannot stand this anymore. And I don’t underline sentences for just anyone. My devotion to Lionel Trains was to this point unmatched, but these tiny people are causing me to grow weary and I am considering shutting down my basement train city. Snobby people make me queasy.
Over the past month and a half I have been thinking: where did these people come from? At first, I figured they were brought to life by the lightning. But they had to have come from somewhere. Do you deliberately plant Lilliputian sophisticates in every train set? If so, why would you do such a horrible thing? The local animal shelter will not take these people. The Humane Society will not take these people, even after I told them (falsely) that I keep them locked up and malnourished, because they aren’t animals. And finally, Hasbro refuses to buy them from me and resell them as Playskool People. I tried giving them to Rick Moranis, star of Honey, I Blew Up The Kid, but when I showed up at his door with tiny little people he called Richard Simmons over. I said, “Rick Moranis, why don’t you just call the cops on me?” But when Richard Simmons was in my proximity I had to run away!
Please, Lionel, do a long-time customer a favor and take these people away from me!! I will buy more trains! Hell, I’ll just give you money! Please let me know whether you are willing to take these people. I need a definite answer before I release them into the wild. All I need is an answer!!!
Annoyed,
Kevin Dickinson |
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