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October 20-Fifth, 2006
Carefree Town Hall 100 Easy St. P.O. Box 740 Carefree, Arizona 85377
Dear Carefree, Arizona,
I am the owner of a unique confectionery shop called “Opium Alley.” Although it may sound like a drug reference, it is in fact, well… OK, it’s a drug reference. But that’s only because we sell innovative candies whose main ingredients are illegal substances. Yes, we sell Cocaine Bites™! This popular treat is only 99 cents for a limited time! And why not try one of our patented Heroin Shock energy drinks? It’s the only energy drink guaranteed to almost kill you! And be sure to pick up some Mary Janes for the family! We’ve taken Mary Jane candies, everyone’s least favorite, disgusting sort-of-peanut-butter things, and added 100% real marijuana to them! A must have for people with a sweet tooth and an overbearing addiction to drugs.
Best of all, the amphetamines, barbiturates, and hallucinogens present in Opium Alley candy are undetectable. You can sit on the corner, poppin’ some Methamphetamine Mints, and a cop will walk by and say, “Hey you – yeah, the suspicious one on the corner. What are you eating?” You can just say “Skittles” and he will believe you. If he asks to see one, just punch him in the face and run away.
Wow, have I been digressing! It must have been the mescaline icing on my hemp muffin earlier. Anyway, I am writing to your fine city to apply for a business permit. I have decided that seven Carefree, Arizona locations will provide my company with the growth it needs to one day go global. Please send me information on acquiring a permit. Thank you, and have a great day! Your outstanding citizens will surely love our brand new treat, Columbian surprise! We cover an almond in 100% Columbian cocaine and cover it in a dark chocolate speed coating. Five different flavors… Which one will you get™?
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson
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