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August 7, 2006
Desert Vista High School 16440 S. 32nd Street Phoenix, AZ 85048
To Whom It May Concern,
My nephew, Polonius McGarvey, is a sophomore at your insignificant high school. If he were my son I would have enlisted him in a private school, but my sister Yolanda believes that public high school provides sufficient education. Nevertheless, Polonius is a very gifted child whose talent is being wasted at your “school.”
My name is Kevin Dickinson, and as you are undoubtedly aware I am the rather prominent and sophisticated author of Gracefully Flows the High Tide at Warrents Cove. I am positive you have heard of this book, since it is on your school’s required reading list for the sophomore level. This may be the one aspect of your high school that keeps me from having my high-level politician friends demolish it.
Polonius tells me his English teacher Mrs. Stevens has the class analyze the underlying themes and motifs of my book. From what I have heard, Mrs. Stevens has told the class that the character of John Liberty represents the desire to be free, and that the high tide at Warrents Cove is a symbol of the rebellious nature of mankind. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong.
I wrote this book simply because I was bored one day and decided to fulfill my fancy to write a book. John Liberty is named as he is not because he is a symbol of something, but because John Liberty is a really cool name. The high tide at Warrents Cove keeps the characters from getting there too quickly, in which case the book would be shorter, and thus less expensive. I can’t have my profits fall below a certain level, you see.
Please stop this at once! I am delighted that your students read my book, but this delight is trampled upon by the giant, metaphorical Foot of Analysis. If you do not cease this over-examination of my book, I will be forced to call upon certain legal authorities.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Distinguished Author |
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