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July 22, 2006
His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI PP. 00120 Via del Pellegrino Citta del Vaticano
Your Holiness,
Listen, there’s a couple things I have to say. One, you are the coolest Pope ever to live. I even made up a word – “Popetastic!” to describe how wonderful you are. I go around saying, “hey, that’s Popetastic!” when I hear or see anything cool. I think you should too. It would be Benedictarific!
The second thing is that I have noticed you are not up to date on your fashion and style. The white robes, the gold cross, the oversized hat and the scepter are classic, don’t get me wrong. I just think that you would appeal more to younger generations by wearing clothes that are hip. Baggy Sean John sweat clothes are a must for today’s representin’ Pope! You may also want to try shorts that reveal 3 inches of your boxers and hang down to your ankles. This is considered “gangsta.”
As an added measure, you can have 40” spinning rims installed on your Pope-Mobile. This will not only jack up your cool factor, but it will know all those Pope wanna-be Cardinals that you’re not messing around. Some might even say this would be “Popetastic.”
Finally, we have to do something about your name. It’s just not trendy anymore to have the title “Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.” I mean, come on! Primate of Italy? What’s that all about. If you want to be cool you need a name like “Bennie” or maybe just “16.” “Yo, Papa 16! What up dawg?” people would say to you. Then you would proceed to give them a cool, silent stare.
So there you have it, a modern image for a modern man. You can be bold and respected in the neighborhood, but still retain that worldly pious touch that makes you the Benedict that you are (XVI). So let me know what you think. I’ll be in touch.
Your new fashion expert,
Kevin Dickinson
P.S. I voted for you (I think; I’m not sure what all those levers were for)
P.P.S. Why do you think God created the platypus? Was he bored?
P.P.P.S. Did you know there was once a Pope Hilarius? That’s hilarious. |
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