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October 16, 2006
Fujifilm USA, Inc. 200 Summit Lake Dr. Valhalla, NY 10595
Dear Fujifilm,
I am a Catholic priest, and for extra cash I perform exorcisms. I run Bob’s Repent & Purge, a combination Catholic church/exorcism room. My name is not Bob, but I figured everyone trusts people named Bob. It’s a down-to-earth, friendly name, and it has that “hometown” feeling.
I basically preach for 5 hours every Sunday, then I go to the exorcism room where people pay $19.95 to be exorcised. Sometimes misinformed (or “stupid”) people want exercise, so I have to direct them down the street to Steve’s Lift & Lock, a combination gym/maximum security prison. But the people who are there to be exorcised come into the exorcism room one by one. It is covered in Care Bear wallpaper, and after they have been cured of Satan’s wrath they receive a lollipop.
The reason I am writing you this letter is to inform you of an important discovery I made last week. Usually, I take a Polaroid picture of the people who have been exorcised to put on my Wall of De-Satanization. As it turns out, I had just exorcised a young woman and had taken her picture, but there was severe red eye… and I did not use a flash. This prompts me to believe that Satan was still living inside her body, using it as a malicious vessel to destroy the world and harvest its souls. I looked upon the Wall of De-Satanization, and no other picture had red eye. She wanted to leave but I detained her and sent everyone else away! Satan was not going to fool me! I exorcised her six more times, each time taking a picture. The first five pictures still had red eye but the last one did not. I guess Satan gave up; he was no match for me!
I have heard from various film companies that red eye is the result of light refracting off the retina. But this new evidence suggests otherwise. Have you ever heard of this happening before? Am I the only one? I know what I say is true; the Bible says something or other about lying being bad, so I don’t do it. Surely I cannot be the only person to report this to your company!
Piously,
Kevin Dickinson Bob’s Repent & Purge |
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