October 30, 2006

DHL Express

Office of the President

1144 W. Washington St.

Tempe, AZ 85281

Dear DHL,

I tried calling you, but then I remembered I was Amish and don’t own a phone. But I can type this letter, because I’m only Selectively Amish.

My dear Aunt Polly Esther owned a chain of clothing stores, which was 30% franchised. She had strong moral fiber, and there was always a thread of wisdom in her daily musings. She always told the truth and there was never anything up her sleeve. She remained a blue collar worker for all her life, insisting upon restocking merchandise and scrubbing floors. Polly Esther, whose dreams were big-and-tall, left a lasting impression, sewing together many lifelong relationships and tailoring to everyone’s needs.

Sadly, Aunt Polly Esther passed away two days ago as she was playing the slots in Texas. She had put her last nickel in the machine, and when it paid out the $8,000,000 jackpot, she died (from suffocating underneath $8,000,000 worth of quarters). And it was literally her last nickel, because in her will she whisked all her money away to charity. I don’t have a cent! Sure, giving all your money to charity is a great principle, but not when I am broke. I called St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital to see if they would give some of the money back to me, but they told me to go bother the breast cancer people instead, who in turn told me to get a job.

The reason I’m writing to you is because I don’t have the necessary funds to retrieve her body from Texas. I don’t own a car and certainly can’t afford a plane ticket, so I was hoping you could ship her to me in a box for about $40. My friend says he might lend me $40, depending on whether he gets the $400 I owe him first. Please help! Aunt Polly Esther meant so much to me. She will forever be woven into my memory!

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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