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July 15, 2006
Umbrella Shoppe 1713 Dean Martin Dr. El Paso, TX 79936
Dear Umbrella Shoppe,
I’m all wet! How can you go to sleep at night, selling people products that you know cannot possibly function properly. After purchasing one of your largest umbrellas, I thought that I’d be safe from those drops of water from the sky. But I was fooled!
I walk to work every day with a briefcase full of important papers. Then I walk home from work with that same briefcase. My company can not function without these papers, you see. Last Monday (a couple of days after I received my new umbrella in the mail) I was on break, and decided to take a walk down to Santiago’s Café on 52nd St. While I was in there, it started pouring relentlessly. I wanted to wait, but I would have been late. “Time to test out my new umbrella!” I said.
I walked outside with my briefcase full of important papers, confident that I would be dry. To my dismay I was instantly soaked. I was carrying a briefcase full of important wet papers! Paper is not waterproof, you know.
I went back onto your website and saw that all of your umbrellas are pictured as dome-shaped. However, the one I was sent is simply a pointy stick with a curved handle at the end. How could this possibly keep me and my briefcase dry? What were you thinking!?
I would like to know if you have a refund policy; if so, I will be returning my pointy stick and buying a real umbrella from a more credible merchant (Duke’s Shady Online Umbrella Store Inc.)
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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I'm really surprised he responded to my
idiotic letter. What's even weirder is the fact that I visited all 6
websites on the letterhead and they are all basically the same store,
selling the same (extremely random) assortment of products, under 6
different names (but advertised together). |
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July 26, 2006
Umbrella Shoppe ATTN: Mr. Joe Grossinger 1713 Dean Martin Dr. El Paso, TX 79936
Dear Mr. Grossinger,
When I originally purchased an umbrella from your online store, I truly believed I would be getting my money’s worth. But perhaps I was mistaken and should have realized the extra “P” and the “E” in your misspelled “shoppe” were an indication of the poor customer service I would be receiving.
As you may recall from my July 15 letter, my briefcase full of important papers vital to my company’s operation has been destroyed by the rain. This is due to the fact that your umbrellas were falsely advertised on your website as dome-shaped, while mine was clearly just a pointy stick.
I am not sure why you don’t believe I bought an umbrella from your online store, but I am sure of one thing: I was wrong. My umbrella works fine! My friend and coworker Kjark Gargenheusenheimer helped me to realize this umbrella’s full potential. Without him, you see, I would not have realized the umbrella had to be opened in order to protect me from the rain.
But now I frolic to and fro in torrential downpours, with a new briefcase full of equally important yet newly printed papers, not at all fearful of the soggy consequences of misusing an umbrella. I should thank you, Umbrella Shoppe, and embrace the extra “pe” at the end of your name for its true beauty. In fact, I love my umbrella so much that I go out whenever it rains, regardless of what I am currently doing, just to enjoy the dryness.
I named my umbrella Joe Grossinger the Happy-Go-Lucky Umbrella (after you). I hope you accept my apologies for being such a moron, and can you please send me a picture of yourself so that I may paint it on my umbrella? I will tell people, this is Joe Grossinger the Happy-Go-Lucky Umbrella!
Stayin’ Dry,
Kevin Dickinson |
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