October 21, 2006

Levi Strauss & Co.

1155 Battery Street

San Francisco, CA 94111

Dear Mr. Levi,

Do you sell pants for midgets? I have searched far and wide but can only find regular people pants. I’m not a midget, but I thought it would be fun to own midget pants. Plus, then if a pants-less midget ever showed up at my house demanding pants, I could say “here you go, I have some midget pants right here for you!”

Anyway, I recently bought a pair of your Dockers stain-proof khakis. They are regular people sized. I decided to test their stain-proofiness, because on the commercial various liquids spill onto the pants and do not leave a mark. The first thing I did was pour a gallon of milk onto my left leg (while wearing these pants). Lo and behold! There was no stain, and the pants were still dry! Although I should probably clean up that milk on the floor within the next week or so.

Then, I “accidentally” spilled red wine on my pants, to simulate a real-life spill situation. I grabbed my wife’s glass of wine from the other side of the table, and turned it completely upside down right over my lap. “Oops! I didn’t mean to knock your glass over,” I told her. She gave me her “I think you are retarded” look, but was quickly impressed, as was I, when my pants remained dry. Our new carpet, however, took a hit below the belt.

I knew these pants weren’t giving in easily. They would not go down without a fight. So I devised the ultimate test: I built a giant coffee pot, big enough for me to fit inside, and filled it with strong black coffee. I broke into the local high school and stole 40 Bunsen burners, which I hooked up underneath the pot to keep it hot. I put my Dockers pants on and lived in that coffee pot for one whole week! Luckily, I remembered to install wheels, so I was able to move around (somewhat).

At work, everyone gave me funny looks and some thought I had a mental disorder. Harvey, who really does have a mental disorder, asked for some coffee. What was I going to do, lean toward a small cup on the ground? It would be messy. “No, you cannot drink my experiment,” I told him.

Seven days later I emerged from that giant coffee pot, and boy was it hot! Good thing I already have 15 children because I’m not going to be able to make any more. And the verdict: my pants were dark brown. A trendy color, but worthless because they had failed me. That Dockers commercial is a lie and I bet it was made by a communist! These pants are not stain-proof. The coffee ruined them, which made me too depressed to enjoy its flavorful, nutty aroma. I just wanted to let you know that I was let down by your pants, which I once held in such high esteem. If you are going to advertise legwear that cannot be stained, then by Jove produce some real pants! Dockers are sissy pants and tomorrow I will be buying many pairs of Lee Dungarees (they say you can’t bust ‘em, but we’ll just see how they measure up to my chainsaw).

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

P.S. Let me know about those midget pants, please!

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