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September 13, 2006
Holy Fire Publishing 531 Constitution Blvd. Martinsburg, WV 25405
Dear Holy Fire Publishing,
I am a deeply pious man. Not a day goes by without church, prayer, or missionary work in Botswana (I do this on Thursdays). I have about three quarters of the Bible memorized and can quote nearly any passage, word for word, on just about any topic. Me and God are best buddies.
But the times, they are a-changin’ and as this world is becoming more and more advanced I feel it is time to adopt a new version of the Bible. Over the last year and a half, I have been translating the old Bible day and night, with limited bathroom breaks and trips to Wendy’s, so that the world could embrace the new edition as soon as possible. This new publication of the Bible is called The Techno-Bible.
Please, do not be quick to dismiss this idea as I know you are ready to throw this letter in the garbage. The Techno-Bible is, quite simply, a Bible for the younger generations that I hope will inspire young children and teens to become devout and to accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior, etc. etc. Let me explain: The Techno-Bible does not omit a single word from the old Bible. Rather, I have added passages of my own to compensate for our modern state of affairs. Perhaps an excerpt from the book of Genesis will serve as a prime example:
“In the beginning God was surfing the Internet. He soon grew weary of watching countless YouTube videos so created the heavens and the earth.
“Now the earth was formless and empty, like a blank web page. Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. He got a text message from his friend Ted on his Sprint wireless phone that said, “DUDE, IT’S KINDA DARK HERE… U SHOULD MAKE SUM LIGHT OR SUMTHIN.” And God saw that the text message contained a frowning smiley with sunglasses.
“And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." He created a universal remote to control the passage of “day” and “night,” and he called it “Panasonic.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day…
“…And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas," and the gradual rising temperatures of this new world “Global Warming.” And God saw that it was good. “Check this sh*t out, Ted… I’m gonna call this one Australia.” And God made funny little creatures called kangaroos, and took pictures of them with his Bluetooth camera phone that he would later post on eBaum’s World using his HP laptop.”
I would like to know your honest opinion on this translation. I believe it is a fine piece of work, but sometimes an author’s eyes can be obscured by his ego. I would like to know if you are willing to publish this Bible, and help me to spread the word of Jesus. (and his iPod)
In God’s Name,
Kevin Dickinson Author/Translator, “Techno-Bible” |
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