|
|
|
|
|
November 13, 2006
Kelly Corporate Headquarters 999 West Big Beaver Road Troy, Michigan 48084-4782
Dear Kelly Staffing Services,
I am the primary member of a crime fighting organization known as the Justice Guys. In the bowels of society, where the long arm of the law cannot reach, the Justice Guys put on a metaphorical rubber glove and rid the world of polyps (which represent bad guys). Our motto is “When everyone else fails, and there is written proof of everyone else’s failures, signed in triplicate and stamped by the state, we will think about taking action, maybe!”
One day in 1997, a hazmat truck exploded and we were all covered in toxic waste. Our picnic was ruined. Some of us kind of gained super powers, and others would like to believe they did as well. Regardless, we all unite when the world is in danger, many times running away, screaming like little girls, but on rare occasions actually contemplating justice!
They call me Stuporman because I have villainophobia. I can’t help but stop dead in my tracks whenever I witness any kind of villainy, treachery, evildoings, etc., or whenever nearby malicious men hatch their evil plots to take over or destroy the world. So when something like this happens, I just freeze and it’s up to the rest of the Justice Guys to save the day.
Besides me, there are six others. My right-hand man is Scatman. He doesn’t really have any super powers, but he can say “doo wop sha dan ding diddly ba loo da sha!” pretty fast. There’s also The Mean Lantern, who got the most toxic waste on him. He’s always really angry because he glows green and can’t do anything about it (we don’t bring him on night missions). Next is Spider-Dude, who goes up to the bad guys and dumps a jar of spiders on their heads. Sure, they get freaked out, but then they carry on with their evil plan because that’s the extent of Spider-Dude’s powers. Four years ago, he was bitten by a radioactive spider, but he was hospitalized for two weeks and nothing else happened.
Then there’s The Incredible Bulk, who is really fat. He claims that’s a superpower, but where is he when the world is being destroyed? Eating donuts in the basement, that’s where. But at least we have The Dash, who can run in a speedy manner (or so he claims). He won some sort of cross-country award (a track plaque?) in high school, but doesn’t really run that much anymore. He wears a jogging suit 24-7, even in the bathtub. It’s creepy.
Perhaps our least useful member is Toast Rider. His main ability is being able to ride around on a bicycle, flinging toast at people (we often run out of bread, and this causes The Incredible Bulk to become very angry and turn red). Mainly he chucks his toast at old women and into the beds of pickup trucks. Finally, there is Blunder Woman, who would be a good super hero if she just learned to tie her shoe laces. Right before she was about to kill the Pink Panderer, she tripped and fell on her face.
The Pink Panderer is our main enemy, you see. His goal, aside from disbanding the Justice Guys, is to distribute self-destructing prostitute robots all over the world, so that he can blow them all up at once, creating a massive global explosion that would propel him to the moon, where he could build a rocket that could launch him to Saturn, where he would be the emperor. I have approached him many times, asking why he would do such a thing, but he always responds with that evil, borderline-wacky laugh that is so characteristic of an evil arch-enemy.
I am writing to you because our leader, Professor Q, retired last week. We got him a cake, but in his old age his telekinesis has lost its accuracy, so he wound up with icing on his forehead. He was laughing, but his eyes told me he was crying on the inside.
Without a leader, the Justice Guys cannot function. We have no motivation and are totally uncoordinated (I still do not know “left” from “the other left”). Thus we need a man capable of heading our massively successful crime-fighting organization, preferably with 3+ years of crime-fighting experience, superior leadership qualities, and knowledge of Microsoft Word. Can you find such a man for the Justice Guys? I await your reply.
And remember, if you are ever in danger – shine a giant “JG” in the sky, and if we’re looking out the window we’ll come rescue you. Usually we’re in the basement hanging out, though. We like television.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson (“Stuporman”) |
|
|
|
|
