September 13, 2006

International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry

Secretariat

PO Box 13757

Research Triangle Park, NC 27709-3757

Dear Secretariat,

My name is Kevin Dickinson. I am a renowned scientist, so you have most likely heard my name. I pioneered the use of gamma rays as weapons for children and I also invented Helium. (little known fact) Although I have discovered some 20+ elements that are not on the periodic table yet, I am not going to share them with you in this letter. I am revealing these elements, all of which are named after me (except Hillbillium), at next year’s international conference.

I write to you today to propose an exciting new design for the Periodic Table of the Elements. I was looking at a copy of the current periodic table that I printed from the Internet, and I noticed all the element names were stupid. I have taken the liberty of renaming the elements because the current names are hard to pronounce. Scientists these days are always saying things like “Hey George, do you have any more Praseodymium?” or “Check out his collection of Ytterbium. It’s cooler than my Dysprosium samples.” I am shocked that people have been living with these element names for so long! Enclosed you will find a new periodic table that retains the same shape but includes names I have come up with for all the elements (except the three stupid ones at the end). I hope you have no trouble distributing this internationally; I teach 165 chemistry classes at Harvard and I need this to become the new international standard by December so I can include it in my next textbook (I write my own textbooks because all the other texts are garbage, and also because I get money for them).

I know what you’re thinking. “What did he name those elements - Steve? Ursula? Harriet?” No, I named them quite scientifically. I studied each and every element (except the three stupid ones at the end) and named them according to their properties. Please let me know when this periodic table will become accepted around the world. I look forward to your response.

Scientifically,

Kevin Dickinson

Renowned Scientist

P.S. I also invented hydrogen. (little known fact)

Home