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July 15, 2006
Honorable Governor Linda Lingle Executive Chambers State Capitol Honolulu, Hawai’i 96813
Your Most Honorable Majestic Governorshipness,
I bet you never expected to be contacted by me, the fabulous and wealthy Kevin Dickinson, t-shirt tag maker extraordinaire! And boy, do I have a business proposition for you! Well, it’s more of a statement than a request, but here it is.
I need to use Hawai’i (most of the islands, at least) to set up my magnificent new t-shirt tag factory. I plan for this to be the largest and most wonderful t-shirt tag factory of them all! Do you know those little tags on the inside of t-shirts? That’s what I make. I am the world’s #1 manufacturer of these tags. I then proceed to sell them to t-shirt companies worldwide for a hefty profit.
I have decided that Hawai’i is the best place for my factory because I like having those little umbrellas in my drinks, and I think that Hawai’i is probably a good place to go for this. My factory will consist of five buildings, each situated on one of the five largest islands, and will be interconnected with futuristic tunnels. You step in one end of the tunnel, and you are shot to the other end just like one of those tubes at the bank drive-through. It doesn’t hurt at all, trust me (although we’ve never actually tested it in real life). Four of these buildings will be the t-shirt tag plant, and the fifth will be the break room. You are invited for donuts whenever you want. We will always have a steady supply of donuts shipped to us from Chicago (also using bank tube technology).
Please let me know when this will be convenient for you, as we may need to move your office, and maybe the whole capitol, to one of those tiny Hawai’ian islands no one ever goes to. (But you can still have all the donuts you want. We do not have jelly donuts.)
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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