July 26, 2006

St. Patrick’s Cathedral

460 Madison Avenue

New York, NY 10022

Dear St. Patrick’s Cathedral,

I need to get a message to God, and this is the only way I could think of. Your church is one of the biggest, baddest churches around and I will promptly defend this statement to the death should anyone care to dissent. Here is my message for God…

Every Sunday when I go to church (and sometimes even Christmas) I put five dollars in the offering basket. I figure, this isn’t much money from my paycheck each week, and I can easily afford to give it to the church, which I am assuming gives it directly to you. My question is, what do you do with that money? Do you save it? Spend it? Invest it? It seems such a silly concept for a God such as yourself to have money. You can just as easily point your finger and have whatever you want! After all, you are responsible for the platypus. I’m sure you had fun with that one. So what’s with all the donations?

Secondly, I was wondering if I could borrow like $20. I know it’s not exactly acceptable to ask your God for money but I need to pay this guy back. He lent me the money so I could buy 11 cans of lentils. You can have some lentils if you want.

But now I don’t have any money, because I gave $5 to church last Sunday and I spent the rest of my savings on a life-size inflatable brontosaurus. Could you bring back the brontosaurus??? That would be awesome. Why did you kill it.

In closing, I am in dire need of $20 because Lou told me he will find a way to “make me pay” if I don’t come up with the money. So I guess you could just (POOF) make it appear in my wallet, or fall from the sky, or something. I know you can find a way.

Thanks again for loaning me that $20. I plan to put $50 in the offering basket as soon as I can.

Love,

Kevin Dickinson

Your Constituent

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