General Mills
P.O. Box 9452
Minneapolis, MN 55440

September 27, 2007

Dear General Mills,

This letter is for the people at your Betty Crocker division. Specifically, Better Crocker herself, unless she is fictional, dead, or both, in which case I address it to Betty Crocker’s legal caretaker.

Dear head Betty Crocker person: This letter is for the people at your Green Giant division. Specifically, the Green Giant himself, unless he is fictional, dead, or both, in which case I address it to the Green Giant’s legal caretaker.

Dear Green Giant head person: I found a piece of corn in my Green Giant green beans can. I do not think corn belongs in a can of green beans. Just to make sure, I read the entire label, including the suggestive expression in the Green Giant’s eyes, but found nothing relating to pieces of corn present in my green beans can. Is this a normal thing? When you have a leftover corn piece, does a worker add it into a green beans can as a “bonus” vegetable? More like a “bogus” vegetable! I happen to be a strong supporter of green beans but an avid protestor of corn-natured things. Pieces of corn find me scorning their existence. Stay in your stalk, yellow dots! Cease to be!

I also have another concern to address. Here is my theory:

1. The Green Giant is a plant.
2. Therefore the Green Giant reproduces asexually.
3. Therefore the Green Giant lacks sexual organs.
4. Therefore the Green Giant is a hermaphrodite.

Please confirm this theory. I am going to send it to one of those universities whose mottoes are in Latin. They’re reputable.

Sincerely,

Home