Chattem Inc.

1715 West 38^th Street

Chattanooga, TN 37409

May 21, 2007

Dear Chattem,

My family put me in an old people home. I’ll tell you, this place sucks. Nurse Emma insists on spoon-feeding me with one of those childish airplane spoons. I am 70 years old! Not an infant! And I can take care of myself. The reason I’m here is because my son Dwight convinced the rest of the family to imprison me in a dying center so they could split my money. Maybe he’s getting back at me for naming him Dwight. But that’s not the point.

I’m writing this letter to ask you about your ACT mouthwash. Occasionally, they let us shop at the local drugstore (as long as we’re accompanied by a chaperone) and we can pick out a few things for ourselves. They do NOT let us have alcohol.

Basically, I want to know how much ACT mouthwash it would take to make somebody (me) drunk. I haven’t had a good glass of Jack Daniels for years now and it’s driving me up the walls! I was a bit of an alcoholic before I got here. Maybe that’s why they shut me away! I did used to chuck people into walls, you know.

So, how about it. All I need to know is the proof of ACT mouthwash. And can you die from ingesting too much? Thank you for your time, and please try to hurry! One of the new, younger nurses is trying to keep us from shopping altogether! WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT THIS GODFORSAKEN ALCOHOL? Sorry, I was freaking out there. Won’t happen again.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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