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January 24, 2007
Dodge Customer Assistance Center PO Box 21-8004 Auburn Hills, MI 48321-8004
Dear Dodge,
The other Wednesday I bought a Dodge Zoominator. It wasn’t at a licensed Dodge dealership but I figured it was all the same. I got it from this guy in a back alley in Camden, NJ who wouldn’t give me his name, but he told me there was a 500 year warranty so I gave him the $400,000 right up front. He told me that he bought it direct from the manufacturer, so that’s why it was super cheap. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask him for his business card because my car is having some unexpected problems and I can’t find him anywhere.
Yesterday I was zoomin’ down the road, utilizing the full capabilities of the 2.5 cylinder engine when the driver’s side mirror flew off. I stopped on the side of the road to retrieve it and try to put it back on, but it turns out that the glue wouldn’t stick a second time. Then when I started the car, the windshield wipers went crazy and they both flew off and hit a passing car, but it’s OK because I made a new friend. He showed his affection by beating the crap out of me and pushing me in the mud. This must have been some sort of friendship initiation, like fraternity applicants must undergo before they become full-fledged brothers. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask him for his business card because now I have no way of calling him up to say “let’s go to the museum.” I might take my mom instead. She’s always wanted to paint herself painting a picture of herself making a sculpture.
Now my Dodge Zoominator is sitting in the driveway, completely immobilized after the engine fell out. It’s probably my fault, though, as the car was obviously not designed to withstand speeds of over 45 mph. I read through my 500 year / 1 billion mile warranty (which my car dealer so thoughtfully wrote out for me by hand) and it says to take the car to the dealership if any problems arise. However, since I am unable to drive it I was wondering if you could come to my house and fix it? I live at the above address and I am usually home between the hours of Sunday and Saturday.
Thank you, and I look forward to hearing back from you as soon as possible. I have a meeting with my footwear technician at 4:00 this afternoon (he says my shoes have a lacing malfunction), but I have no way of getting there.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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