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Family Services Funeral Parlor El 17 de octubre, 2007 Dear Family Services Funeral Parlor, I believe I am contacting the right people here. My friend referred me to a funeral parlor in Kermit, Texas, and I think it’s yours. He said that you offer the special service that I will require. Eventually. I am the biggest coffee lover I know (may I use mochaphile?). I don’t go thirty minutes without downing a delicious cup of steamy caffeination. According to my doctor, this can cause cardiac arrest after a while. So I’m preparing for the future with preemptive funeral arrangements. Here’s the catch: I want to be buried in delicious coffee. As you can see, I like to plan ahead. If I’m buried in finely ground coffee beans, I should have no problem in Heaven if their Mr. Coffee is out of order. I’ve even worked out the math: Average grave dimensions: 39” x 97” x 72” The space around my casket, 126.25 cubic feet, will require 3,156.25lb of coffee. I will provide an appropriate sum of money, which, upon my extinction, can be converted to a caffeinated currency. My family will provide the single daffodil for the grave, as well as the headstone, which I want to feature some lines by Pope: From silver Spouts the grateful Liquors glide, Of course, no amount of calculus can determine my expiration date. Therefore I advise you to keep this letter on file for the intermittent period, and upon your response we can discuss logistics (specifically, the nineteen varieties of coffee I require, and their respective proportions). If you are the same funeral parlor my friend has graciously described, I will not mind being interred in the Lone Star State. Please write back with details, and hopefully a confirmation of this truth. Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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