BabyLand General Hospital
P.O. Box 714
Cleveland, GA 30528

November 16, 2007

Dear Cabbage Patch Kids People,

Where, exactly, is your “General Hospital?” Did they move Cleveland to Georgia? I guess they must have, if that’s your address.

Anyway, I was wondering if there was any way I could get my hands on ten or eleven Cabbage Patch dolls before the Christmas rush begins. Everyone and their mother is willing to kill someone over a Cabbage Patch doll, and I want to avoid being murdered in Target, which is an aptly named store for being murdered in.

Can I drive to Cleveland and get some? I don’t mind going to Georgia, if that is indeed where they have moved the City of Brotherly Wind. Judging by my kids’ reaction to the Cabbage Patch Kids commercials, I will surely be strangulated by January if I do not buy some.

These are the hot item of the year. Help a desperate father! Remember, you are not only spreading Christmas spirit, but you are preventing murder!

 

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

If I had to make a comprehensive list of the top 1 freaky object on Earth, Cabbage Patch Kids would be number 1. This lazy response (consisting of just a brochure) proves my point.
 Here's the front of the brochure.
Here's a shot of the gang. I am dearly afraid of the one in the middle with white hair, and the babies all look like the one from that show Dinosaurs. All of them appear clinically depressed.
Take a good look at this one's eyes. S/he is the spawn of Satan.
Cabbage Patch Kids are harvested from a haunted forest. They are uproted by their heads and wrapped in blankets.


 

 

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