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Mary A. Bomar, Director National Park Service 1849 C Street NW Washington, DC 20240
May 10, 2007
Dear Ms. Bomar,
Hey. It’s your old friend, Smokey the Bear. Listen, I know I’m always there to tell people only THEY can put out forest fires, but this year is going to be a little different. The dry season is nigh, but I’m afraid my jam-packed schedule will not allow me to continue with my regular duties. You will have to find another bear to fill in for me.
On Sunday mornings I go to church (this is legitimate: I pray for the prevention of forest fires), then in the afternoons I usually have brunch with a bunch of old ladies to help me sleep. Their stories about playing bridge knock me out cold. Then after my nap I go golfing. On Mondays I have jazzercise classes, then I play Jenga with the kid down the street who has nothing else to do. I am also going back to college, because as you well know, I dropped out in my first year to prevent forest fires full-time. I’m studying law so I can sue people.
My legal studies constitute the majority of my Tuesdays and Wednesdays, then on Thursdays and Fridays I work 14-hour shifts in a salmon factory to help pay for college. I get free salmon sometimes, and everyone is grossed out when I eat it raw. But I am a bear.
Each Saturday, I volunteer for a government-funded program designed to keep kids off the streets. It is very tedious, standing in the middle of the road with a stop sign, but it is rewarding.
So there you have it. I do apologize for giving such short notice, but the jazzercise class just started last week. Please let me know if you find a replacement so I can sleep better at night knowing that a responsible bear is telling people to prevent forest fires. Thank you.
Keep in touch,
Smokey the Bear |
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