Public Works Department

City of Menlo Park

701 Laurel Street

Menlo Park, CA 94025

April 2, 2007

Dear Public Works Department,

I recently gained valuable knowledge about your Commercial High Efficiency Toilet/Urinal Replacement Program. That knowledge is: you have this program. The trouble is, I live all the way on the other side of the country. Perhaps we could work something out?

I believe I have the world’s most inefficient toilet. Each flush consumes well over 20 gallons of water because it was installed in the late 1970s by a couple of plumbers who were actually only being plumbers for an adult video. They left a copy of the video, Sexy People Pretending to Be Plumbers: Episode 3, in the basement when they moved out. I have scrutinized it over fifty times to try and ascertain the identity of the faux plumber so I could sue him for the amount of my water bill ($a lot). I can’t even afford safety pins anymore because all my money goes to the water company! (not that I buy safety pins)

I know you only replace inefficient toilets within the Menlo Park Municipal Water District (NAFTA) but I am really in a bind. Seeing as you use the S.J. Water Conservation Corporation, and how S.J. probably stands for South Jersey, I was hoping you’d make an exception. By the way, do goldfish go down the toilet headfirst in Australia?

The stamp for this letter is going to have a major effect on my monthly budget. (I am the man who cannot afford safety pins, remember?) Therefore, I have included a letter to my grandmother with this one, so can you send it to her when you are done with it? It would be greatly appreciated, since I can only afford one stamp. (she lives upstairs)

Dear Grandmother,

I cannot reveal much since this letter has fallen into the hands of the Menlo Park people. Do not take the 12:30 train on April 6^th because there will be a bomb (or a stuffed animal) on it. [name deleted] is trying to assassinate (or hug) you. Sorry for the ambiguous words, but I am trying to preserve your career as a secret (or public) spy (or accountant) in the [name deleted] military (or accounting firm).

Love,

[name deleted]

Thank you, Menlo Park people. Please get back to me about that free super-efficient toilet. Also, give this to my grandmother as we previously discussed. It is very important (or possibly trivial).

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

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